Prepare for a long post.....

So i am going to update you all!.... ready?... ready?.... ok, here it goes: 
on my way back to los angeles from hawaii, i was on a redeye flight.. And i couldnt stop staring out of the window. Dark gray clouds separate themselves from the black ocean, which meets the horizon. All i could think about was how amazing it would be if i could lay on a small raft, just large enough for my body, in the  middle of the pacific ocean, surrounded by nothing but black and a billion stars..... 
:)
ok so lets begin, boys. 
I was talking to this one guy for awhile & he is so indecisive and ambivalent. So we was with this girl for three years, and they fought alllll the time. So, him and I have been friends since high school (soph year) & have always hung out as buddies for 7-8 years. He's liked me but i was never really interested in him, until now. So we started talkin, & another girl that goes to school with him started talkin to him too... anyways i think ive already talked about this but im covering it again. So he broke up with the gf, and him & I kissed, and then he was hanging out with me, the girl, and his ex. and so i told him im done. I want a guy who wants me, would do anything for me, romance exists! ..... and we stopped talking so often and returned to being friends for a few weeks/months. We've done some video chats recently and have admitted that we still have feelings for each other. . but ive realized that he isnt exactly "exclusive boyfriend" material. And i want to play, but if im going to commit to someone, they better be someone who would do anything for me, someone who is equally committed. So the other girl and his ex are trying to persuade him into a relationship that he doesnt want to be in, n im so good with giving him advice so he'll always come to me... so im going to see him soon- but at this point, its dragged on for so long, i think its all just become so much more amazing in my head than reality... so i just want to attain the "unattainable" & most likely once he tries to pursue me, im sure ill be over him... its stupid. he even says, that if him and i lived closer to each other, thered be no doubt we'd be together... he says im perfect for him. blah blah blah- only words- and his actions are not backing those words up. i can already feel myself reaching that point. it shifts minute to minute. He was with the other girl last night, and the ex tonight.... I am so use to guys pursuing me, and id either accept it, or deny them...  and if i were to chase anyone, id be over it once they liked me back. Ive never been rejected, dumped, or denied. So i think thats why this situation bothers me so much. and i dont bring this up for any sort of bragging reasons or bc im conceded, but it just makes my point on why i think i cant just move on since hes being a pretty big jerk. heh  anyways, i like him a lot & look forward to seeing him.. even though hes seeing two other girls :/  i know whats right for me, and i know this isnt it. But for some reason, i just cant stop... which brings us to the next subject:
food & eating:
Day II of fast. went very well. intake: handful of peanuts & coke zero.... 
 Ill be going to a eating disorder clinic tomorrow to photograph some patients for a project im doing. nervous as hell. Theyre going to see me and think im huge... 
my new roommate got sick this last week and was all like, " im emaciated!" because she lost a few pounds... trying to get attention by claiming shes too thin. shes skinny but not too thin. and she borrowed my documentary THIN, and was saying how she expected these skeletal super sickly girls n what not... she has no idea what shes talking about. no idea what goes on in our heads every single second of every single day! losing weight is just the symptom. The problem is everything thats going on in our heads! ... and my other roommate didnt have lunch and got a lil shaky and was like, omg i need to eat! im shaking! ... and in my head im thinking like- (this is my every-day! this is what i deal with , what i look forward to... these things that reassure me that im losing weight.  you all have no idea...  ) anyways. i guess its become this sort of ownership thing. like, very personal. this is my thing. its me. the symptoms are mine. you dont know what its like to fast, to live off diet pills, all the heart abnormalities, shakiness, dizziness, etc... (not "you" as in you guys, this is me aiming it at my friends.. hah). My therapist is going to start weighing me and doing body checks (with my permission) every week, to see if certain things are real or all in my head... if i have to show my weight to other ppl, itll be more of an incentive to lose weight. :)  cant slip up now! 
School: two more weeks left. very exciting, tons of hw to do. senior thesis. review. projects. etc.. but im getting it all done. :) 
i wish i had more to update you on, but those are the only three topics that are really going on at the moment and my tummy is growling and i have to get up early so im going to try to sleep now. 
Ive been reading all your blogs, and im going to make my rounds and comment soon. 
heres a quote a friend shared with me after he heard about my annoying boy situation:
"love is passion, obsession, something you cant live without. Fall head over heels, find someone you can love like crazy and will love you the same way back. How do you find them? Forget your head and listen to your heart. The truth is, theres no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love. Well, you havent lived a life at all. But you have to try, cause is you havent tried.. you havent lived." (its from meet joe black. hah but still brilliant). 
wish me luck at the clinic tomorrow morning. :/ 
xoxo