So my roommate and I havent been talking more than the casual hello... For some time now, im guessing between several weeks to 2-3 months? We started to get distant when she began dating this guy, but ever since they broke up, we dont talk at all now. She said she doesnt really feel like herself anymore, and has been blasting Elliott Smith. sad days. its the first break up though, one we all must go through- unless were cinderella...
So while im already feeling blown off, my bestie / guy of interest today text me saying "So just a heads up, last night and today have been miserable for me... im kinda shutting down into ostracized-mode for awhie, so im sorry ahead of time for being a loner." ... going on to explain that him n his ex had a huge fight, and he explained everything that happened between him and I, and him and another girl to his ex gf. They fought, then were ok, and now shes furious with him again and wouldnt talk to him. and now hes depressed and wants to go hide within himself for awhile. So i was cool, and told him he needs to take time for himself, and giving him good (unbias) advice on the situation. he then said "im just sorry to have to cut own bestie time" "Its ok, all my friends have been cutting back time so im use to it... but just do what you need to do to figure things out and feel better.." " sorry"
and thats where it ended. 12 hours ago. I got real sad. and then real mad. and in the heat of this annoyance, when i felt as if i were being abandoned by all my friends now, i called up the people who i knew would always be there for me. my three best friends. and like true best friends, were there for me in a second!
So after a new lululemon outfit, 3 new dvd series (bored to death, sex and the city box set, and Flight of the Conchords) and a good mind-clearing drive later, my friends showed up, we had dinner, and just spent time together. It was what i really needed.
So now im laying in bed, at 3 am, watching Sex and the City, still upset, but more happy knowing that as bad as things may seem, there will always be people who truly care that are there for you.
Eating, seeing that it was a bad day, was also bad. But at the gym today, I saw my fat ass shaking in the double mirror as i was sprinting on the treadmill, and it could not have made me more motivated.
Other than that things are great! My paintings were selected by the curator to be in a museum show. and I just got contacted by a REALLY amazing photographer to work for him ( hephotographed Obama and his family, and the Oprah "Legends" women, and more). And I am still working at the gallery, which is still amazing. And working on a high end fashion line based on my paintings as well, that my friend (in the fashion department at school) and I will show to people in New York when were done to get produced.
So with the good and bad always balancing out, I am content to sleep now.
Goodnight Loves.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Theres Good News and Bad News.
So my roommate and I havent been talking more than the casual hello... For some time now, im guessing between several weeks to 2-3 months? We started to get distant when she began dating this guy, but ever since they broke up, we dont talk at all now. She said she doesnt really feel like herself anymore, and has been blasting Elliott Smith. sad days. its the first break up though, one we all must go through- unless were cinderella...
So while im already feeling blown off, my bestie / guy of interest today text me saying "So just a heads up, last night and today have been miserable for me... im kinda shutting down into ostracized-mode for awhie, so im sorry ahead of time for being a loner." ... going on to explain that him n his ex had a huge fight, and he explained everything that happened between him and I, and him and another girl to his ex gf. They fought, then were ok, and now shes furious with him again and wouldnt talk to him. and now hes depressed and wants to go hide within himself for awhile. So i was cool, and told him he needs to take time for himself, and giving him good (unbias) advice on the situation. he then said "im just sorry to have to cut own bestie time" "Its ok, all my friends have been cutting back time so im use to it... but just do what you need to do to figure things out and feel better.." " sorry"
and thats where it ended. 12 hours ago. I got real sad. and then real mad. and in the heat of this annoyance, when i felt as if i were being abandoned by all my friends now, i called up the people who i knew would always be there for me. my three best friends. and like true best friends, were there for me in a second!
So after a new lululemon outfit, 3 new dvd series (bored to death, sex and the city box set, and Flight of the Conchords) and a good mind-clearing drive later, my friends showed up, we had dinner, and just spent time together. It was what i really needed.
So now im laying in bed, at 3 am, watching Sex and the City, still upset, but more happy knowing that as bad as things may seem, there will always be people who truly care that are there for you.
Eating, seeing that it was a bad day, was also bad. But at the gym today, I saw my fat ass shaking in the double mirror as i was sprinting on the treadmill, and it could not have made me more motivated.
Other than that things are great! My paintings were selected by the curator to be in a museum show. and I just got contacted by a REALLY amazing photographer to work for him ( hephotographed Obama and his family, and the Oprah "Legends" women, and more). And I am still working at the gallery, which is still amazing. And working on a high end fashion line based on my paintings as well, that my friend (in the fashion department at school) and I will show to people in New York when were done to get produced.
So with the good and bad always balancing out, I am content to sleep now.
Goodnight Loves.
So while im already feeling blown off, my bestie / guy of interest today text me saying "So just a heads up, last night and today have been miserable for me... im kinda shutting down into ostracized-mode for awhie, so im sorry ahead of time for being a loner." ... going on to explain that him n his ex had a huge fight, and he explained everything that happened between him and I, and him and another girl to his ex gf. They fought, then were ok, and now shes furious with him again and wouldnt talk to him. and now hes depressed and wants to go hide within himself for awhile. So i was cool, and told him he needs to take time for himself, and giving him good (unbias) advice on the situation. he then said "im just sorry to have to cut own bestie time" "Its ok, all my friends have been cutting back time so im use to it... but just do what you need to do to figure things out and feel better.." " sorry"
and thats where it ended. 12 hours ago. I got real sad. and then real mad. and in the heat of this annoyance, when i felt as if i were being abandoned by all my friends now, i called up the people who i knew would always be there for me. my three best friends. and like true best friends, were there for me in a second!
So after a new lululemon outfit, 3 new dvd series (bored to death, sex and the city box set, and Flight of the Conchords) and a good mind-clearing drive later, my friends showed up, we had dinner, and just spent time together. It was what i really needed.
So now im laying in bed, at 3 am, watching Sex and the City, still upset, but more happy knowing that as bad as things may seem, there will always be people who truly care that are there for you.
Eating, seeing that it was a bad day, was also bad. But at the gym today, I saw my fat ass shaking in the double mirror as i was sprinting on the treadmill, and it could not have made me more motivated.
Other than that things are great! My paintings were selected by the curator to be in a museum show. and I just got contacted by a REALLY amazing photographer to work for him ( hephotographed Obama and his family, and the Oprah "Legends" women, and more). And I am still working at the gallery, which is still amazing. And working on a high end fashion line based on my paintings as well, that my friend (in the fashion department at school) and I will show to people in New York when were done to get produced.
So with the good and bad always balancing out, I am content to sleep now.
Goodnight Loves.
Theres Good News and Bad News.
So my roommate and I havent been talking more than the casual hello... For some time now, im guessing between several weeks to 2-3 months? We started to get distant when she began dating this guy, but ever since they broke up, we dont talk at all now. She said she doesnt really feel like herself anymore, and has been blasting Elliott Smith. sad days. its the first break up though, one we all must go through- unless were cinderella...
So while im already feeling blown off, my bestie / guy of interest today text me saying "So just a heads up, last night and today have been miserable for me... im kinda shutting down into ostracized-mode for awhie, so im sorry ahead of time for being a loner." ... going on to explain that him n his ex had a huge fight, and he explained everything that happened between him and I, and him and another girl to his ex gf. They fought, then were ok, and now shes furious with him again and wouldnt talk to him. and now hes depressed and wants to go hide within himself for awhile. So i was cool, and told him he needs to take time for himself, and giving him good (unbias) advice on the situation. he then said "im just sorry to have to cut own bestie time" "Its ok, all my friends have been cutting back time so im use to it... but just do what you need to do to figure things out and feel better.." " sorry"
and thats where it ended. 12 hours ago. I got real sad. and then real mad. and in the heat of this annoyance, when i felt as if i were being abandoned by all my friends now, i called up the people who i knew would always be there for me. my three best friends. and like true best friends, were there for me in a second!
So after a new lululemon outfit, 3 new dvd series (bored to death, sex and the city box set, and Flight of the Conchords) and a good mind-clearing drive later, my friends showed up, we had dinner, and just spent time together. It was what i really needed.
So now im laying in bed, at 3 am, watching Sex and the City, still upset, but more happy knowing that as bad as things may seem, there will always be people who truly care that are there for you.
Eating, seeing that it was a bad day, was also bad. But at the gym today, I saw my fat ass shaking in the double mirror as i was sprinting on the treadmill, and it could not have made me more motivated.
Other than that things are great! My paintings were selected by the curator to be in a museum show. and I just got contacted by a REALLY amazing photographer to work for him ( hephotographed Obama and his family, and the Oprah "Legends" women, and more). And I am still working at the gallery, which is still amazing. And working on a high end fashion line based on my paintings as well, that my friend (in the fashion department at school) and I will show to people in New York when were done to get produced.
So with the good and bad always balancing out, I am content to sleep now.
Goodnight Loves.
So while im already feeling blown off, my bestie / guy of interest today text me saying "So just a heads up, last night and today have been miserable for me... im kinda shutting down into ostracized-mode for awhie, so im sorry ahead of time for being a loner." ... going on to explain that him n his ex had a huge fight, and he explained everything that happened between him and I, and him and another girl to his ex gf. They fought, then were ok, and now shes furious with him again and wouldnt talk to him. and now hes depressed and wants to go hide within himself for awhile. So i was cool, and told him he needs to take time for himself, and giving him good (unbias) advice on the situation. he then said "im just sorry to have to cut own bestie time" "Its ok, all my friends have been cutting back time so im use to it... but just do what you need to do to figure things out and feel better.." " sorry"
and thats where it ended. 12 hours ago. I got real sad. and then real mad. and in the heat of this annoyance, when i felt as if i were being abandoned by all my friends now, i called up the people who i knew would always be there for me. my three best friends. and like true best friends, were there for me in a second!
So after a new lululemon outfit, 3 new dvd series (bored to death, sex and the city box set, and Flight of the Conchords) and a good mind-clearing drive later, my friends showed up, we had dinner, and just spent time together. It was what i really needed.
So now im laying in bed, at 3 am, watching Sex and the City, still upset, but more happy knowing that as bad as things may seem, there will always be people who truly care that are there for you.
Eating, seeing that it was a bad day, was also bad. But at the gym today, I saw my fat ass shaking in the double mirror as i was sprinting on the treadmill, and it could not have made me more motivated.
Other than that things are great! My paintings were selected by the curator to be in a museum show. and I just got contacted by a REALLY amazing photographer to work for him ( hephotographed Obama and his family, and the Oprah "Legends" women, and more). And I am still working at the gallery, which is still amazing. And working on a high end fashion line based on my paintings as well, that my friend (in the fashion department at school) and I will show to people in New York when were done to get produced.
So with the good and bad always balancing out, I am content to sleep now.
Goodnight Loves.
Friday, January 28, 2011
I feel as if i have swerved off course, losing track of ana, and feeling my grip on my goals slipping- quite rapidly...
My desire to absolute thinness is still there which makes it so much harder, but the willpower to not eat, seems to have slightly dissipated. Er, it had.
Im trying to find it all again. I went to the gym today, and i felt massive, my shirt was too tight, and so were my pants. I felt as if i literally gained 60 pounds! ... i have gained weight, which is pissing me off.. my therapist says on my diet now, im just going to keep gaining even though i am only eating one 1/2 meal a day. And by eating more normally my metabolism will start up again and ill begin to lose once again. Makes sense. but at the same time, i cant believe that. Restricting, hardcore restricting is the only way to get thin quickly. which i need.
I need to consume this on a minutely basis. TV shows, pictures, blogs, text, email, movies... whatever it takes to bombard my mind with nothing but thinness and my goal. I refuse to feel this disgusting in my own body any longer.
I miss those days, where i hadnt eaten in 4 days, and i was shaky and lightheaded, and no one could get me to take a bite. they were lonely days, sure, but i felt great!!! and things with school, and life and all that are going fantastic now!!!! but it all doesnt mean as much when i feel embarrassed and self conscious of myself. And theres same ol boy, but also new boy in my life, and i cant be a fat cow for them. so theres some more motivation.
Im doing a new one on one pilates training thing too starting tomorrow afternoon. and still training w my trainer at the gym. and riding.
I just wish i could find that drive that i had last year, when it was at its strongest.... I need to find it again.
so i will::::
*Eat less than 200 cal a day. Liquids only as much as possible. water specifically.
*Work out:: every day!!
*Watch for inspiration:
-Thin
-What's Eating You
-Supersize vs Superskinny
-Super Slim Me
-Super Skinny Me
-For the Love of Nancy
-A Secret Between Friends
-Sharing the Secret
-Perfect Body
...etc
*Read Ana Books:
-Unwell
-Wasted
-Feeling for Bones
-Thin
-Purge
...etc
*Blog & collect Images:: Daily
............Any words of advice or encouragement would be amazing right now.
My desire to absolute thinness is still there which makes it so much harder, but the willpower to not eat, seems to have slightly dissipated. Er, it had.
Im trying to find it all again. I went to the gym today, and i felt massive, my shirt was too tight, and so were my pants. I felt as if i literally gained 60 pounds! ... i have gained weight, which is pissing me off.. my therapist says on my diet now, im just going to keep gaining even though i am only eating one 1/2 meal a day. And by eating more normally my metabolism will start up again and ill begin to lose once again. Makes sense. but at the same time, i cant believe that. Restricting, hardcore restricting is the only way to get thin quickly. which i need.
I need to consume this on a minutely basis. TV shows, pictures, blogs, text, email, movies... whatever it takes to bombard my mind with nothing but thinness and my goal. I refuse to feel this disgusting in my own body any longer.
I miss those days, where i hadnt eaten in 4 days, and i was shaky and lightheaded, and no one could get me to take a bite. they were lonely days, sure, but i felt great!!! and things with school, and life and all that are going fantastic now!!!! but it all doesnt mean as much when i feel embarrassed and self conscious of myself. And theres same ol boy, but also new boy in my life, and i cant be a fat cow for them. so theres some more motivation.
Im doing a new one on one pilates training thing too starting tomorrow afternoon. and still training w my trainer at the gym. and riding.
I just wish i could find that drive that i had last year, when it was at its strongest.... I need to find it again.
so i will::::
*Eat less than 200 cal a day. Liquids only as much as possible. water specifically.
*Work out:: every day!!
*Watch for inspiration:
-Thin
-What's Eating You
-Supersize vs Superskinny
-Super Slim Me
-Super Skinny Me
-For the Love of Nancy
-A Secret Between Friends
-Sharing the Secret
-Perfect Body
...etc
*Read Ana Books:
-Unwell
-Wasted
-Feeling for Bones
-Thin
-Purge
...etc
*Blog & collect Images:: Daily
............Any words of advice or encouragement would be amazing right now.
I feel as if i have swerved off course, losing track of ana, and feeling my grip on my goals slipping- quite rapidly...
My desire to absolute thinness is still there which makes it so much harder, but the willpower to not eat, seems to have slightly dissipated. Er, it had.
Im trying to find it all again. I went to the gym today, and i felt massive, my shirt was too tight, and so were my pants. I felt as if i literally gained 60 pounds! ... i have gained weight, which is pissing me off.. my therapist says on my diet now, im just going to keep gaining even though i am only eating one 1/2 meal a day. And by eating more normally my metabolism will start up again and ill begin to lose once again. Makes sense. but at the same time, i cant believe that. Restricting, hardcore restricting is the only way to get thin quickly. which i need.
I need to consume this on a minutely basis. TV shows, pictures, blogs, text, email, movies... whatever it takes to bombard my mind with nothing but thinness and my goal. I refuse to feel this disgusting in my own body any longer.
I miss those days, where i hadnt eaten in 4 days, and i was shaky and lightheaded, and no one could get me to take a bite. they were lonely days, sure, but i felt great!!! and things with school, and life and all that are going fantastic now!!!! but it all doesnt mean as much when i feel embarrassed and self conscious of myself. And theres same ol boy, but also new boy in my life, and i cant be a fat cow for them. so theres some more motivation.
Im doing a new one on one pilates training thing too starting tomorrow afternoon. and still training w my trainer at the gym. and riding.
I just wish i could find that drive that i had last year, when it was at its strongest.... I need to find it again.
so i will::::
*Eat less than 200 cal a day. Liquids only as much as possible. water specifically.
*Work out:: every day!!
*Watch for inspiration:
-Thin
-What's Eating You
-Supersize vs Superskinny
-Super Slim Me
-Super Skinny Me
-For the Love of Nancy
-A Secret Between Friends
-Sharing the Secret
-Perfect Body
...etc
*Read Ana Books:
-Unwell
-Wasted
-Feeling for Bones
-Thin
-Purge
...etc
*Blog & collect Images:: Daily
............Any words of advice or encouragement would be amazing right now.
My desire to absolute thinness is still there which makes it so much harder, but the willpower to not eat, seems to have slightly dissipated. Er, it had.
Im trying to find it all again. I went to the gym today, and i felt massive, my shirt was too tight, and so were my pants. I felt as if i literally gained 60 pounds! ... i have gained weight, which is pissing me off.. my therapist says on my diet now, im just going to keep gaining even though i am only eating one 1/2 meal a day. And by eating more normally my metabolism will start up again and ill begin to lose once again. Makes sense. but at the same time, i cant believe that. Restricting, hardcore restricting is the only way to get thin quickly. which i need.
I need to consume this on a minutely basis. TV shows, pictures, blogs, text, email, movies... whatever it takes to bombard my mind with nothing but thinness and my goal. I refuse to feel this disgusting in my own body any longer.
I miss those days, where i hadnt eaten in 4 days, and i was shaky and lightheaded, and no one could get me to take a bite. they were lonely days, sure, but i felt great!!! and things with school, and life and all that are going fantastic now!!!! but it all doesnt mean as much when i feel embarrassed and self conscious of myself. And theres same ol boy, but also new boy in my life, and i cant be a fat cow for them. so theres some more motivation.
Im doing a new one on one pilates training thing too starting tomorrow afternoon. and still training w my trainer at the gym. and riding.
I just wish i could find that drive that i had last year, when it was at its strongest.... I need to find it again.
so i will::::
*Eat less than 200 cal a day. Liquids only as much as possible. water specifically.
*Work out:: every day!!
*Watch for inspiration:
-Thin
-What's Eating You
-Supersize vs Superskinny
-Super Slim Me
-Super Skinny Me
-For the Love of Nancy
-A Secret Between Friends
-Sharing the Secret
-Perfect Body
...etc
*Read Ana Books:
-Unwell
-Wasted
-Feeling for Bones
-Thin
-Purge
...etc
*Blog & collect Images:: Daily
............Any words of advice or encouragement would be amazing right now.
I feel as if i have swerved off course, losing track of ana, and feeling my grip on my goals slipping- quite rapidly...
My desire to absolute thinness is still there which makes it so much harder, but the willpower to not eat, seems to have slightly dissipated. Er, it had.
Im trying to find it all again. I went to the gym today, and i felt massive, my shirt was too tight, and so were my pants. I felt as if i literally gained 60 pounds! ... i have gained weight, which is pissing me off.. my therapist says on my diet now, im just going to keep gaining even though i am only eating one 1/2 meal a day. And by eating more normally my metabolism will start up again and ill begin to lose once again. Makes sense. but at the same time, i cant believe that. Restricting, hardcore restricting is the only way to get thin quickly. which i need.
I need to consume this on a minutely basis. TV shows, pictures, blogs, text, email, movies... whatever it takes to bombard my mind with nothing but thinness and my goal. I refuse to feel this disgusting in my own body any longer.
I miss those days, where i hadnt eaten in 4 days, and i was shaky and lightheaded, and no one could get me to take a bite. they were lonely days, sure, but i felt great!!! and things with school, and life and all that are going fantastic now!!!! but it all doesnt mean as much when i feel embarrassed and self conscious of myself. And theres same ol boy, but also new boy in my life, and i cant be a fat cow for them. so theres some more motivation.
Im doing a new one on one pilates training thing too starting tomorrow afternoon. and still training w my trainer at the gym. and riding.
I just wish i could find that drive that i had last year, when it was at its strongest.... I need to find it again.
so i will::::
*Eat less than 200 cal a day. Liquids only as much as possible. water specifically.
*Work out:: every day!!
*Watch for inspiration:
-Thin
-What's Eating You
-Supersize vs Superskinny
-Super Slim Me
-Super Skinny Me
-For the Love of Nancy
-A Secret Between Friends
-Sharing the Secret
-Perfect Body
...etc
*Read Ana Books:
-Unwell
-Wasted
-Feeling for Bones
-Thin
-Purge
...etc
*Blog & collect Images:: Daily
............Any words of advice or encouragement would be amazing right now.
My desire to absolute thinness is still there which makes it so much harder, but the willpower to not eat, seems to have slightly dissipated. Er, it had.
Im trying to find it all again. I went to the gym today, and i felt massive, my shirt was too tight, and so were my pants. I felt as if i literally gained 60 pounds! ... i have gained weight, which is pissing me off.. my therapist says on my diet now, im just going to keep gaining even though i am only eating one 1/2 meal a day. And by eating more normally my metabolism will start up again and ill begin to lose once again. Makes sense. but at the same time, i cant believe that. Restricting, hardcore restricting is the only way to get thin quickly. which i need.
I need to consume this on a minutely basis. TV shows, pictures, blogs, text, email, movies... whatever it takes to bombard my mind with nothing but thinness and my goal. I refuse to feel this disgusting in my own body any longer.
I miss those days, where i hadnt eaten in 4 days, and i was shaky and lightheaded, and no one could get me to take a bite. they were lonely days, sure, but i felt great!!! and things with school, and life and all that are going fantastic now!!!! but it all doesnt mean as much when i feel embarrassed and self conscious of myself. And theres same ol boy, but also new boy in my life, and i cant be a fat cow for them. so theres some more motivation.
Im doing a new one on one pilates training thing too starting tomorrow afternoon. and still training w my trainer at the gym. and riding.
I just wish i could find that drive that i had last year, when it was at its strongest.... I need to find it again.
so i will::::
*Eat less than 200 cal a day. Liquids only as much as possible. water specifically.
*Work out:: every day!!
*Watch for inspiration:
-Thin
-What's Eating You
-Supersize vs Superskinny
-Super Slim Me
-Super Skinny Me
-For the Love of Nancy
-A Secret Between Friends
-Sharing the Secret
-Perfect Body
...etc
*Read Ana Books:
-Unwell
-Wasted
-Feeling for Bones
-Thin
-Purge
...etc
*Blog & collect Images:: Daily
............Any words of advice or encouragement would be amazing right now.
Monday, January 17, 2011
intake:
1 spoonful of peanut butter....
not too bad.. trying to avoid the fridge. im hungry. but boredom hunger. not real hunger. waiting to watch the new show on A&E tonight @ 10, Heavy. that'll end my hunger immediately im assuming. and a new rule im following, no food anytime after 8:00pm. NONE. ever. Im planning a liquid fast tomorrow as well. and then 1 mini snack wed. too. really really cutting back supa fast for quick results. my body is slowing down, and instead of eating normally to start up my body, im cutting off almost all food, to give it nothing to hold onto. i cant manage to hold any more weight. its really starting to drive me insane. i need to get back down to my starting weight. I cant believe throughout this year, ive actually gained weight rather than lost... the more weight conscious ive become, its like my body is just saying, screw you!! and the more i restrict, it turns out the more i gain. I should of just never started dieting! ugh... well, in the beginning i lost a lot, and then i started gaining more and more and more gradually. so after a quick freak out- ive decided im determined to get to where i want immediately! im sick of staying level headed and cool while im seriously panicking inside. i feel like ive completely failed. So im not going to give my body anything that will add to the lbs on the scale. yup. thats the plan!
my friend was telling me about this diet shes starting, what foods she has to stay away from, what she can eat, when she has to eat. etc etc... and trying to give me "diet secrets"... please, this new interest of hers has been my living hell for every second of my day for the last couple years. I know all the secrets. and guess what... they dont work!! I could tell her, whats super efficient and what will get you results is if you just stop eating!... easy. haha i dont think most people are down with that method though.
works for me!
1 spoonful of peanut butter....
not too bad.. trying to avoid the fridge. im hungry. but boredom hunger. not real hunger. waiting to watch the new show on A&E tonight @ 10, Heavy. that'll end my hunger immediately im assuming. and a new rule im following, no food anytime after 8:00pm. NONE. ever. Im planning a liquid fast tomorrow as well. and then 1 mini snack wed. too. really really cutting back supa fast for quick results. my body is slowing down, and instead of eating normally to start up my body, im cutting off almost all food, to give it nothing to hold onto. i cant manage to hold any more weight. its really starting to drive me insane. i need to get back down to my starting weight. I cant believe throughout this year, ive actually gained weight rather than lost... the more weight conscious ive become, its like my body is just saying, screw you!! and the more i restrict, it turns out the more i gain. I should of just never started dieting! ugh... well, in the beginning i lost a lot, and then i started gaining more and more and more gradually. so after a quick freak out- ive decided im determined to get to where i want immediately! im sick of staying level headed and cool while im seriously panicking inside. i feel like ive completely failed. So im not going to give my body anything that will add to the lbs on the scale. yup. thats the plan!
my friend was telling me about this diet shes starting, what foods she has to stay away from, what she can eat, when she has to eat. etc etc... and trying to give me "diet secrets"... please, this new interest of hers has been my living hell for every second of my day for the last couple years. I know all the secrets. and guess what... they dont work!! I could tell her, whats super efficient and what will get you results is if you just stop eating!... easy. haha i dont think most people are down with that method though.
works for me!
intake:
1 spoonful of peanut butter....
not too bad.. trying to avoid the fridge. im hungry. but boredom hunger. not real hunger. waiting to watch the new show on A&E tonight @ 10, Heavy. that'll end my hunger immediately im assuming. and a new rule im following, no food anytime after 8:00pm. NONE. ever. Im planning a liquid fast tomorrow as well. and then 1 mini snack wed. too. really really cutting back supa fast for quick results. my body is slowing down, and instead of eating normally to start up my body, im cutting off almost all food, to give it nothing to hold onto. i cant manage to hold any more weight. its really starting to drive me insane. i need to get back down to my starting weight. I cant believe throughout this year, ive actually gained weight rather than lost... the more weight conscious ive become, its like my body is just saying, screw you!! and the more i restrict, it turns out the more i gain. I should of just never started dieting! ugh... well, in the beginning i lost a lot, and then i started gaining more and more and more gradually. so after a quick freak out- ive decided im determined to get to where i want immediately! im sick of staying level headed and cool while im seriously panicking inside. i feel like ive completely failed. So im not going to give my body anything that will add to the lbs on the scale. yup. thats the plan!
my friend was telling me about this diet shes starting, what foods she has to stay away from, what she can eat, when she has to eat. etc etc... and trying to give me "diet secrets"... please, this new interest of hers has been my living hell for every second of my day for the last couple years. I know all the secrets. and guess what... they dont work!! I could tell her, whats super efficient and what will get you results is if you just stop eating!... easy. haha i dont think most people are down with that method though.
works for me!
1 spoonful of peanut butter....
not too bad.. trying to avoid the fridge. im hungry. but boredom hunger. not real hunger. waiting to watch the new show on A&E tonight @ 10, Heavy. that'll end my hunger immediately im assuming. and a new rule im following, no food anytime after 8:00pm. NONE. ever. Im planning a liquid fast tomorrow as well. and then 1 mini snack wed. too. really really cutting back supa fast for quick results. my body is slowing down, and instead of eating normally to start up my body, im cutting off almost all food, to give it nothing to hold onto. i cant manage to hold any more weight. its really starting to drive me insane. i need to get back down to my starting weight. I cant believe throughout this year, ive actually gained weight rather than lost... the more weight conscious ive become, its like my body is just saying, screw you!! and the more i restrict, it turns out the more i gain. I should of just never started dieting! ugh... well, in the beginning i lost a lot, and then i started gaining more and more and more gradually. so after a quick freak out- ive decided im determined to get to where i want immediately! im sick of staying level headed and cool while im seriously panicking inside. i feel like ive completely failed. So im not going to give my body anything that will add to the lbs on the scale. yup. thats the plan!
my friend was telling me about this diet shes starting, what foods she has to stay away from, what she can eat, when she has to eat. etc etc... and trying to give me "diet secrets"... please, this new interest of hers has been my living hell for every second of my day for the last couple years. I know all the secrets. and guess what... they dont work!! I could tell her, whats super efficient and what will get you results is if you just stop eating!... easy. haha i dont think most people are down with that method though.
works for me!
intake:
1 spoonful of peanut butter....
not too bad.. trying to avoid the fridge. im hungry. but boredom hunger. not real hunger. waiting to watch the new show on A&E tonight @ 10, Heavy. that'll end my hunger immediately im assuming. and a new rule im following, no food anytime after 8:00pm. NONE. ever. Im planning a liquid fast tomorrow as well. and then 1 mini snack wed. too. really really cutting back supa fast for quick results. my body is slowing down, and instead of eating normally to start up my body, im cutting off almost all food, to give it nothing to hold onto. i cant manage to hold any more weight. its really starting to drive me insane. i need to get back down to my starting weight. I cant believe throughout this year, ive actually gained weight rather than lost... the more weight conscious ive become, its like my body is just saying, screw you!! and the more i restrict, it turns out the more i gain. I should of just never started dieting! ugh... well, in the beginning i lost a lot, and then i started gaining more and more and more gradually. so after a quick freak out- ive decided im determined to get to where i want immediately! im sick of staying level headed and cool while im seriously panicking inside. i feel like ive completely failed. So im not going to give my body anything that will add to the lbs on the scale. yup. thats the plan!
my friend was telling me about this diet shes starting, what foods she has to stay away from, what she can eat, when she has to eat. etc etc... and trying to give me "diet secrets"... please, this new interest of hers has been my living hell for every second of my day for the last couple years. I know all the secrets. and guess what... they dont work!! I could tell her, whats super efficient and what will get you results is if you just stop eating!... easy. haha i dont think most people are down with that method though.
works for me!
1 spoonful of peanut butter....
not too bad.. trying to avoid the fridge. im hungry. but boredom hunger. not real hunger. waiting to watch the new show on A&E tonight @ 10, Heavy. that'll end my hunger immediately im assuming. and a new rule im following, no food anytime after 8:00pm. NONE. ever. Im planning a liquid fast tomorrow as well. and then 1 mini snack wed. too. really really cutting back supa fast for quick results. my body is slowing down, and instead of eating normally to start up my body, im cutting off almost all food, to give it nothing to hold onto. i cant manage to hold any more weight. its really starting to drive me insane. i need to get back down to my starting weight. I cant believe throughout this year, ive actually gained weight rather than lost... the more weight conscious ive become, its like my body is just saying, screw you!! and the more i restrict, it turns out the more i gain. I should of just never started dieting! ugh... well, in the beginning i lost a lot, and then i started gaining more and more and more gradually. so after a quick freak out- ive decided im determined to get to where i want immediately! im sick of staying level headed and cool while im seriously panicking inside. i feel like ive completely failed. So im not going to give my body anything that will add to the lbs on the scale. yup. thats the plan!
my friend was telling me about this diet shes starting, what foods she has to stay away from, what she can eat, when she has to eat. etc etc... and trying to give me "diet secrets"... please, this new interest of hers has been my living hell for every second of my day for the last couple years. I know all the secrets. and guess what... they dont work!! I could tell her, whats super efficient and what will get you results is if you just stop eating!... easy. haha i dont think most people are down with that method though.
works for me!
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
I have been eating constently 1 meal a day still. but its still far too much. I feel so chunky... bleh... The guy i like (stillllll) said the other day that im super skinny & the last thing i needed to worry about was my body, and i need to go on his fatty diet. hah no thank you!
its nice to hear those things, but it never quiets the angry voices in my head.
about to do a quick in-apartment work out. I rode my horse this morning for two hours, walk-trot-canter-leg yielding-volte and some shoulder in. So some good work out to start my day! :) and i dl'd jillian Michael's 30 day shred on itunes so imma try it!!
intake:
1 nature valley bar
red vines (0 fat, great sweet snack)
coke zero
peanut butter (spoonful)
time to work out!
its nice to hear those things, but it never quiets the angry voices in my head.
about to do a quick in-apartment work out. I rode my horse this morning for two hours, walk-trot-canter-leg yielding-volte and some shoulder in. So some good work out to start my day! :) and i dl'd jillian Michael's 30 day shred on itunes so imma try it!!
intake:
1 nature valley bar
red vines (0 fat, great sweet snack)
coke zero
peanut butter (spoonful)
time to work out!
I have been eating constently 1 meal a day still. but its still far too much. I feel so chunky... bleh... The guy i like (stillllll) said the other day that im super skinny & the last thing i needed to worry about was my body, and i need to go on his fatty diet. hah no thank you!
its nice to hear those things, but it never quiets the angry voices in my head.
about to do a quick in-apartment work out. I rode my horse this morning for two hours, walk-trot-canter-leg yielding-volte and some shoulder in. So some good work out to start my day! :) and i dl'd jillian Michael's 30 day shred on itunes so imma try it!!
intake:
1 nature valley bar
red vines (0 fat, great sweet snack)
coke zero
peanut butter (spoonful)
time to work out!
its nice to hear those things, but it never quiets the angry voices in my head.
about to do a quick in-apartment work out. I rode my horse this morning for two hours, walk-trot-canter-leg yielding-volte and some shoulder in. So some good work out to start my day! :) and i dl'd jillian Michael's 30 day shred on itunes so imma try it!!
intake:
1 nature valley bar
red vines (0 fat, great sweet snack)
coke zero
peanut butter (spoonful)
time to work out!
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