intake :
4 carrots
handful of m&m's

started watching shows again. intervention. whats eating you. thin. etc.. Its making that mindset i had, in the deepest moments of this all come back so strong. It was the loneliest time of my life, but i miss it. so much. And im almost a bit competitive. The bf is an addict, recovered. recovering? and he knows about my eating. He went to treatment and all that, and I feel like I need to prove that mine is as serious as his. is that weird?
I hate watching intervention w him, the drug ones- the ones that pertain to his addiction. Because, although it may not be his same mindset, it was him. and the things he did was him. and i cannot picture the guy im with, being the same guy who's done those things. and thinking about it, it really scares me. Because i feel like there is a huge part of this person that I do not know. and he is super quiet, so that silence adds a certain level of the unknown, and fear.
anyways. Im starving again. and weighing myself several times a day. and went to the store and purchased a lot of drinks and juices, and 100 calorie packs and veggies. I can do this again.
and working at the ED transitional living, it will only be a constant motivation.

alright, so ill do a quick update. Ive been riding 6 days a week pretty much. Hard riding. the barn hired me to help work the horses part time. Also im working as an assistant for a woman part time too. and I have my second interview to be a house-mom at an eating disorder center's home. She warned me it would be extremely triggering, and i said I think i could handle it, but i went into the interview hoping it would serve as a sort of first person motivation. It could do the opposite though too. I dont know. But we'll see how the second interview goes.