Today intake: 

B-0, even though the boy brought me a snack in bed, i was honestly not hungry and knew if i did eat that, it would spur hunger.
L- jamba juice smoothie. which is way more calories than i would like to be in a smoothie but at least its not the worst thing in the world.
D- chicken quesadilla at school, I'm here working all night so i needed some solid food in me, as i was getting quite dizzy walking around to all our different studios talking about work, which could be because of all the toxic chemicals people use, or the fact that I was hungry. Maybe 50/50. 

I have to go pick up more dog food, and i know once i get home the boy is going to ask about dinner but it'll be pretty late by that point and I can bring him home something and then skip a second meal, even though he always wants to eat with me (not out of concern, but because its just something were supposed to do together.... which is nice, but super inconvenient for me sometimes). 

At school today I've been incredibly annoyed because we have a visiting artist teaching a class and I'm pretty convinced she doesn't like me, with no reason evidence to back up her decision. I do the work, I participate, I have interesting and critical things to say. But both weeks, my contributions have been the last things we discuss so I always have no time to talk, me and two people got lost on the way to the studio today (we mixed up who was going first) and then she was really strict about us being late and i was explaining that we were waiting at the other studio and then went back to class, and she didnt give a shit. Then we went to my studio and were talking about a lot of my work and ideas and unlike the other studio visits which were much more fun and goofy and interesting, she was challenging me. Which is fine, Im up for a debate or can defend my work and decisions, but at the same time, I also am at a point where Im kind of over her and her obvious bias. My mother would tell me to win her over with doing extra work and going out of my way to impress her. I think she may be trying to appear extra tough being a visiting faculty, where she'll yell at anyone who glances at their phone, or are 5 minutes late to class, where in other classes, people will be in their own world and show up half way through class and wander in and out and be on their phones and everyone knows that they're just ruining it for themselves. were all adults here and know we're here because we want to be. we are not in high school where the teachers need to be hovering over us at every second. 

well, I have to get back to making work now, but ill be posting again soon. 
.

We are supposed to think of this as the norm... Which is why we're here.

Back from tumblr

Hey ladies! 

So after spending a year or so on my tumblr account it finally got terminated for promoting unhealthy behavior. It's saddening in this way that I literally lost a big chunk of time in my life. Any accounts I deleted myself, I exported the material so I still have a means to access my thoughts at that time. But I guess it's time to start new. 

It's unfortunate to lose all my followers over there but I'm glad to be back with you all abs hopefully be making more connections over here too. One thing I missed a lot over the past year is there's a lack of conversation on tumblr. There's no way to comment, other than a private message, and to not have support other than a Like button, is really hard and disconnected. 

I'll be posting my new stats and goals on here soon. 

It feels good to be back, I've missed you all! 

http://sticks-n-bone.tumblr.com/

my new blog !!!! go check it out :)

12:27

Ive been sick the past week.
Everything I eat upsets my stomach immediately, and goes right through me.
Im fine with food not sitting in my gut, but the pain of being sick is horrible.
Im starting a juice cleanse/fast to hopefully get everything out of my system, and also drop a few pounds. Its a 5 day cleanse. Picking it up today I think. I ordered it already but I need to drive across the city to pick it up in store.
The good thing is that the boyfriend has seen me getting so sick after every meal and thinks that this cleanse is a good idea. So its going to be amazing to have his support and he promised me that he wont let me slip up and sneak any food! :)

I havent weighed myself recently, so i dont know for sure, but my body feels tighter, thinner, lighter. My stomach doesnt bulge out, my hipbones are sticking out. Im returning to this frail self and its so comforting. Theres moments where I feel like I need to eat, and I dont even care, but thats just habit and routine from being "healthy" lately, and eating less and less will become the habit.

To help keep me away from the kitchen, ive been watching a lot of netflix. The Killing, Orange is the new Black, New Girl, Parenthood, even the X Files... anything that can keep me on the couch for hours. Usually im doing work at the same time so Im not completely lazy...

Ive been getting exercise at least 3 days a week, plus daily cals burned with walking around campus and what not. So my daily intake has stayed pretty low. Along with not being able to keep food in my body...

I stayed in my room most of the day doing work since we didnt have class today.. For some reason when i stay locked in my room, its easier to not let hunger creep up and sink its teeth into me. 

I went to trader joes at 4:30 to buy some groceries. 

Made a salad. 

baby greens

green onions

tomatoes

avocado

fat free feta 

oil/ vinegar 

it was exactly what i needed. Ive been eating so much crap lately. not much food, but when I do eat, its crap. This was refreshing to have something filling, but light, and fresh. much needed. 

I think thatll be it for me for the whole day. I have some edamame crackers if I need a snack later. 

I still feel huge and fatty though. I need a good fast this week. 

Any good suggestions for losing some weight quite rapidly, other than fasting. Maybe diuretics again? or my diet pills? 

I was aiming for a produce fast, but todays intake was:

1 smoothie
1 cup of curry (liquid only, no chicken or potatoes)
2 mini reeses cups.

plus loads of walking today.

so overall, it wasnt a fantastic day, but it definitely could have been worse.
Ill take it.
I plan to continue the produce fast through the weekend, or at least use it as a help to stick it out without giving in to temptations.