11:37 pm

Intake :

    4 cookies: 260 calories

    3 slices of deli turkey: 80 calories

    1 salt water taffy: 22 calories

           I made ghirardelli chocolate chip cookies for my two roommates. Unfortunately, they're sitting on the counter tempting me all day too. Terrible terrible terrible. Never going to make that awful mistake again! I wish i had better self control, but to be honest, I just need things not to be accessible. And if I go out and buy something, like two minutes later ill get this anger and im like "what are you thinking?! You dont need that. Get that out of here RIGHT NOW!" so ill run into the kitchen, and just throw about 2/3 of my groceries. 

Not quite the most money-effecient thought process, but I really don't care at this point. 

          So Im reading this book of case studies of multiple personality disorders, and its SO interesting! Heres the amazing link if youre interested. But i've noticed that whenever they mention words like, Ward, Hospitalized, Sick, Inpatient, etc.. I feel more inspired to not eat. I think its because at the point of my longest fasts and my deepest points of this, I was watching a lot of Girl Interrupted, and ED documentaries, and reading all the ED books, and was consumed by it. And really want to get to that point of people wanting to send me away, (just knowing that im THAT thin.... not a cry for attention, come on now.... ). 

Anyways, I found that sort of interesting. 

Maybe I need to just immerse myself in all of that again? 

          Im sitting on my chair, with salt water taffy literally an arms length away from me, and a plate of cookies 10 steps away. Good thing I just showered and my big ol mirror screamed at me for having to reflect such an awful image. I really want it to be easy again. I dont understand why I now have cravings for food. Why, only a few months ago, I couldnt be happier going days without food. No cravings. No slip ups. 

Do i just have a faulty memory? And I romanticizing that time? 

I feel like it was all so easy and so perfect. I have notebooks of my food logs. I didnt slip up much from what I can tell on that. 

Im back to an okay track. No meals. Just some snacking. So now I just need to eliminated that, and survive off of little to NO calories. 

YAY FOR BEING SICK IN THE BRAINY! 

xoxo 

11:37 pm

Intake :

    4 cookies: 260 calories

    3 slices of deli turkey: 80 calories

    1 salt water taffy: 22 calories

           I made ghirardelli chocolate chip cookies for my two roommates. Unfortunately, they're sitting on the counter tempting me all day too. Terrible terrible terrible. Never going to make that awful mistake again! I wish i had better self control, but to be honest, I just need things not to be accessible. And if I go out and buy something, like two minutes later ill get this anger and im like "what are you thinking?! You dont need that. Get that out of here RIGHT NOW!" so ill run into the kitchen, and just throw about 2/3 of my groceries. 

Not quite the most money-effecient thought process, but I really don't care at this point. 

          So Im reading this book of case studies of multiple personality disorders, and its SO interesting! Heres the amazing link if youre interested. But i've noticed that whenever they mention words like, Ward, Hospitalized, Sick, Inpatient, etc.. I feel more inspired to not eat. I think its because at the point of my longest fasts and my deepest points of this, I was watching a lot of Girl Interrupted, and ED documentaries, and reading all the ED books, and was consumed by it. And really want to get to that point of people wanting to send me away, (just knowing that im THAT thin.... not a cry for attention, come on now.... ). 

Anyways, I found that sort of interesting. 

Maybe I need to just immerse myself in all of that again? 

          Im sitting on my chair, with salt water taffy literally an arms length away from me, and a plate of cookies 10 steps away. Good thing I just showered and my big ol mirror screamed at me for having to reflect such an awful image. I really want it to be easy again. I dont understand why I now have cravings for food. Why, only a few months ago, I couldnt be happier going days without food. No cravings. No slip ups. 

Do i just have a faulty memory? And I romanticizing that time? 

I feel like it was all so easy and so perfect. I have notebooks of my food logs. I didnt slip up much from what I can tell on that. 

Im back to an okay track. No meals. Just some snacking. So now I just need to eliminated that, and survive off of little to NO calories. 

YAY FOR BEING SICK IN THE BRAINY! 

xoxo 

11:37 pm

Intake :

    4 cookies: 260 calories

    3 slices of deli turkey: 80 calories

    1 salt water taffy: 22 calories

           I made ghirardelli chocolate chip cookies for my two roommates. Unfortunately, they're sitting on the counter tempting me all day too. Terrible terrible terrible. Never going to make that awful mistake again! I wish i had better self control, but to be honest, I just need things not to be accessible. And if I go out and buy something, like two minutes later ill get this anger and im like "what are you thinking?! You dont need that. Get that out of here RIGHT NOW!" so ill run into the kitchen, and just throw about 2/3 of my groceries. 

Not quite the most money-effecient thought process, but I really don't care at this point. 

          So Im reading this book of case studies of multiple personality disorders, and its SO interesting! Heres the amazing link if youre interested. But i've noticed that whenever they mention words like, Ward, Hospitalized, Sick, Inpatient, etc.. I feel more inspired to not eat. I think its because at the point of my longest fasts and my deepest points of this, I was watching a lot of Girl Interrupted, and ED documentaries, and reading all the ED books, and was consumed by it. And really want to get to that point of people wanting to send me away, (just knowing that im THAT thin.... not a cry for attention, come on now.... ). 

Anyways, I found that sort of interesting. 

Maybe I need to just immerse myself in all of that again? 

          Im sitting on my chair, with salt water taffy literally an arms length away from me, and a plate of cookies 10 steps away. Good thing I just showered and my big ol mirror screamed at me for having to reflect such an awful image. I really want it to be easy again. I dont understand why I now have cravings for food. Why, only a few months ago, I couldnt be happier going days without food. No cravings. No slip ups. 

Do i just have a faulty memory? And I romanticizing that time? 

I feel like it was all so easy and so perfect. I have notebooks of my food logs. I didnt slip up much from what I can tell on that. 

Im back to an okay track. No meals. Just some snacking. So now I just need to eliminated that, and survive off of little to NO calories. 

YAY FOR BEING SICK IN THE BRAINY! 

xoxo 

Was home for the last 4 days, and on a trip for the 4 days before that. Amazing week off. But waiting for my night class now. one more month and im done with college!! ahhh how exciting.
Well, this break i definitely gained weight, maybe just maintained. I dont know for sure. But i feel so heavy. Ready for a nice lovely fast. :)  mmm mm mmm emptiness.
how were all your spring breaks ? or what are you planning on doing on any of your breaks that are coming up?
xoxo

Was home for the last 4 days, and on a trip for the 4 days before that. Amazing week off. But waiting for my night class now. one more month and im done with college!! ahhh how exciting.
Well, this break i definitely gained weight, maybe just maintained. I dont know for sure. But i feel so heavy. Ready for a nice lovely fast. :)  mmm mm mmm emptiness.
how were all your spring breaks ? or what are you planning on doing on any of your breaks that are coming up?
xoxo

Was home for the last 4 days, and on a trip for the 4 days before that. Amazing week off. But waiting for my night class now. one more month and im done with college!! ahhh how exciting.
Well, this break i definitely gained weight, maybe just maintained. I dont know for sure. But i feel so heavy. Ready for a nice lovely fast. :)  mmm mm mmm emptiness.
how were all your spring breaks ? or what are you planning on doing on any of your breaks that are coming up?
xoxo

So I feel like I can control what I eat, but those comfortable empty feelings are sort of lost. I look back on last winter and have all these emotions and feelings that went along with the darkest moment so far of this "problem" and I miss them, terribly. Yes it was lonely and depressing and all of that, but at the same time, it was really great. Im sure, at least 1/2 of you know what im talking about...
so this thinspo is going to be images that bring back that feeling from last winter for me..
I want the cold days, and the growling tummy, filled up with tea... The cups filled with chewed food, and my trembling hands. I want to overhear words of concern travel from my peers lips. and I want my clothes to drape gently around my delicate skeletal frame. I want the thought of food to shake me more than the low blood sugar, and the exhaustion to weigh me down.
I hope you are with me,
And we float away from this weight that holds us down
xoxo

So I feel like I can control what I eat, but those comfortable empty feelings are sort of lost. I look back on last winter and have all these emotions and feelings that went along with the darkest moment so far of this "problem" and I miss them, terribly. Yes it was lonely and depressing and all of that, but at the same time, it was really great. Im sure, at least 1/2 of you know what im talking about...
so this thinspo is going to be images that bring back that feeling from last winter for me..
I want the cold days, and the growling tummy, filled up with tea... The cups filled with chewed food, and my trembling hands. I want to overhear words of concern travel from my peers lips. and I want my clothes to drape gently around my delicate skeletal frame. I want the thought of food to shake me more than the low blood sugar, and the exhaustion to weigh me down.
I hope you are with me,
And we float away from this weight that holds us down
xoxo

So I feel like I can control what I eat, but those comfortable empty feelings are sort of lost. I look back on last winter and have all these emotions and feelings that went along with the darkest moment so far of this "problem" and I miss them, terribly. Yes it was lonely and depressing and all of that, but at the same time, it was really great. Im sure, at least 1/2 of you know what im talking about...
so this thinspo is going to be images that bring back that feeling from last winter for me..
I want the cold days, and the growling tummy, filled up with tea... The cups filled with chewed food, and my trembling hands. I want to overhear words of concern travel from my peers lips. and I want my clothes to drape gently around my delicate skeletal frame. I want the thought of food to shake me more than the low blood sugar, and the exhaustion to weigh me down.
I hope you are with me,
And we float away from this weight that holds us down
xoxo