12:27

Ive been sick the past week.
Everything I eat upsets my stomach immediately, and goes right through me.
Im fine with food not sitting in my gut, but the pain of being sick is horrible.
Im starting a juice cleanse/fast to hopefully get everything out of my system, and also drop a few pounds. Its a 5 day cleanse. Picking it up today I think. I ordered it already but I need to drive across the city to pick it up in store.
The good thing is that the boyfriend has seen me getting so sick after every meal and thinks that this cleanse is a good idea. So its going to be amazing to have his support and he promised me that he wont let me slip up and sneak any food! :)

I havent weighed myself recently, so i dont know for sure, but my body feels tighter, thinner, lighter. My stomach doesnt bulge out, my hipbones are sticking out. Im returning to this frail self and its so comforting. Theres moments where I feel like I need to eat, and I dont even care, but thats just habit and routine from being "healthy" lately, and eating less and less will become the habit.

To help keep me away from the kitchen, ive been watching a lot of netflix. The Killing, Orange is the new Black, New Girl, Parenthood, even the X Files... anything that can keep me on the couch for hours. Usually im doing work at the same time so Im not completely lazy...

Ive been getting exercise at least 3 days a week, plus daily cals burned with walking around campus and what not. So my daily intake has stayed pretty low. Along with not being able to keep food in my body...

I stayed in my room most of the day doing work since we didnt have class today.. For some reason when i stay locked in my room, its easier to not let hunger creep up and sink its teeth into me. 

I went to trader joes at 4:30 to buy some groceries. 

Made a salad. 

baby greens

green onions

tomatoes

avocado

fat free feta 

oil/ vinegar 

it was exactly what i needed. Ive been eating so much crap lately. not much food, but when I do eat, its crap. This was refreshing to have something filling, but light, and fresh. much needed. 

I think thatll be it for me for the whole day. I have some edamame crackers if I need a snack later. 

I still feel huge and fatty though. I need a good fast this week. 

Any good suggestions for losing some weight quite rapidly, other than fasting. Maybe diuretics again? or my diet pills? 

I was aiming for a produce fast, but todays intake was:

1 smoothie
1 cup of curry (liquid only, no chicken or potatoes)
2 mini reeses cups.

plus loads of walking today.

so overall, it wasnt a fantastic day, but it definitely could have been worse.
Ill take it.
I plan to continue the produce fast through the weekend, or at least use it as a help to stick it out without giving in to temptations.

today was supposed to be a fast..
i lasted all day till about 7pm, and then i made myself a sandwich. and I didnt even need it. it was just available to me. such a ridiculous excuse. I couldve been empty right now. and not sitting here with my stomach pushed out in front of me as i type.

This weekend, Calla Lily and I are going to do a veggie/fruit fast. Till sunday night. maybe longer if I can get away with it.

Ill be with the bf this weekend looking at antiques and furniture so thatll be lots of walking through the city, and keep my mind off eating.

Ive been busy in school and am trying to catch up on all you guys tonight. Hope youre all doing well.
xoxo

3/4 of a 6" flatbread sandwich from subway. 200cals? 250?

Spent 2-3 hours walking around a museum. I looked up how much you burn walking, and for 2-3 hours it was in the 600cal range which seems like a lot. I'm going to say 300. I'm totally exhausted, that's what museums do to you, but I don't think I walked off 600 Cals. Who knows though.

I'm getting a taco right now to help me focus to do work, and that's it.

Hope you all are doing well! I'll update stats and all tomorrow morning! <3

Today's allowed calories : 500

Breakfast: 0
Exercise: -300
Lunch: 260

I'm going to avoid dinner if possible. Or keep it very small. Tomorrow I'm going out to dinner so I'm saving my cals for then.

Todays intake:
redbull 160 (but didnt finish it. drank 1/3 so more like 100 ish)
1/4 sandwich that was gross- 100
1/2 sandwich- 200? 300?
sprite

Today I lost 1 pound.

breakfast - 1/2 cup dry cereal - 80cals
5 mi hike- -800 cals?
Lunch- 1/2 sandwich 300 cals?
Dinner- nothing 0 cals

Net: -420 !! Love being in the negative cals again. Im gonna be sore tomorrow but it will feel so good!

about to go on a hike, burn some calories and get out of the house.
Thought id check in real quick though.

yesterdays intake:
breakfast: 1 babybel cheese. (70 cal)
Lunch: nothing (0 cals)
Dinner: 1/2 burger (300-400?)

so far,
Today:
breakfast: 1/2 cup dry cereal. (80 cal)

today-
exercise this morning: -300 cals ?

intake:
chips
open faced sandwich
cashew squares.

Also, I wish i had a million dollars because im too excited for winter and want all these clothes!

Thinspo

Calla Lily,
Im jealous ! I wish i was more toned, but like i said in my previous posts- i dont have access to a gym anymore, and i hate running! although i wish i liked it.. I ride horses everyday. or at least i did when i wasnt in school. But my body is the tall/naturally lean type.
Here is some documentation from awhile ago. I fluctuate around this area usually. sometimes thinner, sometimes thicker.
trying to get thinner. obviously...
I use to go to the gym a lot and do cardio and also see a personal trainer for weights, so i use to be much more toned, but i moved so i dont get to do that anymore unfortunately.

stats

the lovely Calla Lily asked for my stats, so here you go :)

5'10"
last time i weighed i was about 127lbs-130lbs (trying to get to 110).
b- 32"
w- 26"
h- 37"

anything else youd like to know that i left out ??

3:24

The last few days Ive been doing so well with not eating throughout the day.... until it hits nighttime.

Thursday- no food all day. 1 sl pizza at 8.
Friday- no food all day. 2 tacos at 6:30
Saturday- a raw kale salad for lunch. and then a cup of pasta and a little bit of chili for dinner.

Being back in school has helped a lot. It keeps me busy, distracted, and stuck in rooms where I cant get up and grad snacks anytime i want. I just need to figure out how to keep from diving into food at the end of the day.
I think i fool myself. Because I was eating "healthily" prior to this, that i convince myself i should be able to eat every night since i didnt eat anything all day. like a reward, but in reality, im just ruining any progress i could have made that day.

I can see some things changing though.
My knees are a bit more knobby.
I can see the muscle definition starting to surface beneath the fat on my thighs.
When i put my hands on my waist, my ribcage is beginning to feel narrower again.
Theyre small changes, nothing dramatic or exciting yet, but its progress.
I still feel like fatty, and soft, and just an "average" looking girl.
I miss the frailty.

Also,
in one of my classes, one person was making work all about body and self image, it had works about cutting, and what i automatically perceived as an ED. whether thats my own mind interpreting it because its on my mind, or because it was about it. Which i totally think it was. I made the mistake once about making work about this. I dont think i ever could again. The whole school was murmuring about me and this project.

Craving Fall

Fall and Winter is when I feel my restricting creep in the hardest. I can curl up in a blanket, drink something warm, and enjoy the constant patter of rain and the overcast skies. 

Although I live in LA, where its almost never "winter." its still about 100 degrees outside and my soul is aching for fall. for winter. for rain. for fog. for cold. and empty. and big sweaters. and layers. and boots. with socks. sunken cheeks. and fragile wrists. 

I wait, anxiously