12:27

Ive been sick the past week.
Everything I eat upsets my stomach immediately, and goes right through me.
Im fine with food not sitting in my gut, but the pain of being sick is horrible.
Im starting a juice cleanse/fast to hopefully get everything out of my system, and also drop a few pounds. Its a 5 day cleanse. Picking it up today I think. I ordered it already but I need to drive across the city to pick it up in store.
The good thing is that the boyfriend has seen me getting so sick after every meal and thinks that this cleanse is a good idea. So its going to be amazing to have his support and he promised me that he wont let me slip up and sneak any food! :)

I havent weighed myself recently, so i dont know for sure, but my body feels tighter, thinner, lighter. My stomach doesnt bulge out, my hipbones are sticking out. Im returning to this frail self and its so comforting. Theres moments where I feel like I need to eat, and I dont even care, but thats just habit and routine from being "healthy" lately, and eating less and less will become the habit.

To help keep me away from the kitchen, ive been watching a lot of netflix. The Killing, Orange is the new Black, New Girl, Parenthood, even the X Files... anything that can keep me on the couch for hours. Usually im doing work at the same time so Im not completely lazy...

Ive been getting exercise at least 3 days a week, plus daily cals burned with walking around campus and what not. So my daily intake has stayed pretty low. Along with not being able to keep food in my body...

Craving Fall

Fall and Winter is when I feel my restricting creep in the hardest. I can curl up in a blanket, drink something warm, and enjoy the constant patter of rain and the overcast skies. 

Although I live in LA, where its almost never "winter." its still about 100 degrees outside and my soul is aching for fall. for winter. for rain. for fog. for cold. and empty. and big sweaters. and layers. and boots. with socks. sunken cheeks. and fragile wrists. 

I wait, anxiously 

Thinspo

intake :
4 carrots
handful of m&m's

started watching shows again. intervention. whats eating you. thin. etc.. Its making that mindset i had, in the deepest moments of this all come back so strong. It was the loneliest time of my life, but i miss it. so much. And im almost a bit competitive. The bf is an addict, recovered. recovering? and he knows about my eating. He went to treatment and all that, and I feel like I need to prove that mine is as serious as his. is that weird?
I hate watching intervention w him, the drug ones- the ones that pertain to his addiction. Because, although it may not be his same mindset, it was him. and the things he did was him. and i cannot picture the guy im with, being the same guy who's done those things. and thinking about it, it really scares me. Because i feel like there is a huge part of this person that I do not know. and he is super quiet, so that silence adds a certain level of the unknown, and fear.
anyways. Im starving again. and weighing myself several times a day. and went to the store and purchased a lot of drinks and juices, and 100 calorie packs and veggies. I can do this again.
and working at the ED transitional living, it will only be a constant motivation.

alright, so ill do a quick update. Ive been riding 6 days a week pretty much. Hard riding. the barn hired me to help work the horses part time. Also im working as an assistant for a woman part time too. and I have my second interview to be a house-mom at an eating disorder center's home. She warned me it would be extremely triggering, and i said I think i could handle it, but i went into the interview hoping it would serve as a sort of first person motivation. It could do the opposite though too. I dont know. But we'll see how the second interview goes.