I dont deserve to be wear my red bracelets anymore. I feel like Ive failed so consistently laterly, that Im some sort of fraud. My moods towards all of this have been swinging like a pendulum. One one side, I need this, or it seems so. I cant let it go. Its ALWAYS in my head. and I am ALWAYS guilty for every calorie i eat, and each one i dont burn. Its torturous and painful. On the other hand, Ive been working out a lot and am really eager to be fit, toned and really healthy. And helping other people find their way to a healthy active life. Its contradicting though because I am not healthy, and how can I lead people to something unknown?Ill leave these thoughts for another time, my head is beginning to hurt.
On other news, boys.
boys. boys. hmmm.
boy A, use to like me and I ended that. awkward but were still like, best friends! Boy B, I was pretty close with a few years ago and am starting to hang out with a bit now. He also use to like me back then. I really missed him. Boy C, new friend. People think he likes me, and its crossed my mind several times but Im not too into t
his one. Boy D, had a fling about a year ago. Super cute- but not really interesting. Not to be totally insulting, but the other guys ive had in my life have always been super stimulating when it comes to our conversations and stuff. Boy E, pretty awesome all around, but deep down i just wasnt into it. Amazing guy, amazing conversations, etc. :/ Anyways, Ive been so busy with school I havent had time to even think about guys and now its summer! time for some fun right. its exciting and im looking forward to hopefully finding someone who sparks my interest. I admit I am probably way to picky, but im okay with that.
I just really want simple things, like someone to lean into and wra
p their arms around me. Keep me warm because im always cold. The exciting first weeks getting to know a new person, all the way to the roots of their childhood. Silence, staring into each others eyes, fighting the irresistible urge to grin. A forehead kiss. A brilliant mind to bounce ideas off of. A co pilot. I am so independent always, and I want all of this so badly right now. I know Ill probably change my mind once I can have it, but right now at this moment, I crave.
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