I feel as if i have swerved off course, losing track of ana, and feeling my grip on my goals slipping- quite rapidly...
My desire to absolute thinness is still there which makes it so much harder, but the willpower to not eat, seems to have slightly dissipated. Er, it had.
Im trying to find it all again. I went to the gym today, and i felt massive, my shirt was too tight, and so were my pants. I felt as if i literally gained 60 pounds! ... i have gained weight, which is pissing me off.. my therapist says on my diet now, im just going to keep gaining even though i am only eating one 1/2 meal a day. And by eating more normally my metabolism will start up again and ill begin to lose once again. Makes sense. but at the same time, i cant believe that. Restricting, hardcore restricting is the only way to get thin quickly. which i need.
I need to consume this on a minutely basis. TV shows, pictures, blogs, text, email, movies... whatever it takes to bombard my mind with nothing but thinness and my goal. I refuse to feel this disgusting in my own body any longer.
I miss those days, where i hadnt eaten in 4 days, and i was shaky and lightheaded, and no one could get me to take a bite. they were lonely days, sure, but i felt great!!! and things with school, and life and all that are going fantastic now!!!! but it all doesnt mean as much when i feel embarrassed and self conscious of myself. And theres same ol boy, but also new boy in my life, and i cant be a fat cow for them. so theres some more motivation.
Im doing a new one on one pilates training thing too starting tomorrow afternoon. and still training w my trainer at the gym. and riding.
I just wish i could find that drive that i had last year, when it was at its strongest.... I need to find it again.
so i will::::
*Eat less than 200 cal a day. Liquids only as much as possible. water specifically.
*Work out:: every day!!
*Watch for inspiration:
-Thin
-What's Eating You
-Supersize vs Superskinny
-Super Slim Me
-Super Skinny Me
-For the Love of Nancy
-A Secret Between Friends
-Sharing the Secret
-Perfect Body
...etc
*Read Ana Books:
-Unwell
-Wasted
-Feeling for Bones
-Thin
-Purge
...etc
*Blog & collect Images:: Daily
............Any words of advice or encouragement would be amazing right now.
don't take it too bad honey, now that you know where you want to be you can try and fight for it. I know what you mean about last year's inspiration. I do that too in the last couple of years and you know what? In the end I always do better than the last year! so take some time to focus on what you want and you can do it!
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