12:27

Ive been sick the past week.
Everything I eat upsets my stomach immediately, and goes right through me.
Im fine with food not sitting in my gut, but the pain of being sick is horrible.
Im starting a juice cleanse/fast to hopefully get everything out of my system, and also drop a few pounds. Its a 5 day cleanse. Picking it up today I think. I ordered it already but I need to drive across the city to pick it up in store.
The good thing is that the boyfriend has seen me getting so sick after every meal and thinks that this cleanse is a good idea. So its going to be amazing to have his support and he promised me that he wont let me slip up and sneak any food! :)

I havent weighed myself recently, so i dont know for sure, but my body feels tighter, thinner, lighter. My stomach doesnt bulge out, my hipbones are sticking out. Im returning to this frail self and its so comforting. Theres moments where I feel like I need to eat, and I dont even care, but thats just habit and routine from being "healthy" lately, and eating less and less will become the habit.

To help keep me away from the kitchen, ive been watching a lot of netflix. The Killing, Orange is the new Black, New Girl, Parenthood, even the X Files... anything that can keep me on the couch for hours. Usually im doing work at the same time so Im not completely lazy...

Ive been getting exercise at least 3 days a week, plus daily cals burned with walking around campus and what not. So my daily intake has stayed pretty low. Along with not being able to keep food in my body...

3:24

The last few days Ive been doing so well with not eating throughout the day.... until it hits nighttime.

Thursday- no food all day. 1 sl pizza at 8.
Friday- no food all day. 2 tacos at 6:30
Saturday- a raw kale salad for lunch. and then a cup of pasta and a little bit of chili for dinner.

Being back in school has helped a lot. It keeps me busy, distracted, and stuck in rooms where I cant get up and grad snacks anytime i want. I just need to figure out how to keep from diving into food at the end of the day.
I think i fool myself. Because I was eating "healthily" prior to this, that i convince myself i should be able to eat every night since i didnt eat anything all day. like a reward, but in reality, im just ruining any progress i could have made that day.

I can see some things changing though.
My knees are a bit more knobby.
I can see the muscle definition starting to surface beneath the fat on my thighs.
When i put my hands on my waist, my ribcage is beginning to feel narrower again.
Theyre small changes, nothing dramatic or exciting yet, but its progress.
I still feel like fatty, and soft, and just an "average" looking girl.
I miss the frailty.

Also,
in one of my classes, one person was making work all about body and self image, it had works about cutting, and what i automatically perceived as an ED. whether thats my own mind interpreting it because its on my mind, or because it was about it. Which i totally think it was. I made the mistake once about making work about this. I dont think i ever could again. The whole school was murmuring about me and this project.

Craving Fall

Fall and Winter is when I feel my restricting creep in the hardest. I can curl up in a blanket, drink something warm, and enjoy the constant patter of rain and the overcast skies. 

Although I live in LA, where its almost never "winter." its still about 100 degrees outside and my soul is aching for fall. for winter. for rain. for fog. for cold. and empty. and big sweaters. and layers. and boots. with socks. sunken cheeks. and fragile wrists. 

I wait, anxiously 

Emptiness

I miss those days when I didnt feel insecure.
And I didnt need to go browse in the pantry when I feel my stomach ache from emptiness- I celebrated.
When my nails would turn blue, and my body was always freezing.
When I'd shake and exist in a state of constant lightheadedness.
When I'd get those titled head looks of concern, and people would try to force me to eat.
Feeling light and empty.
Wrapping myself up in blankets and filling my stomach with warm drinks while it pours rain outside.
Why is it such a struggle to get back?
It was such a lonely place, but i miss it terribly.
Im happy now. I have my boyfriend and my dog and school and riding and so many good things. But I still crave that emptiness- in every sense of the word.

Thinspo