Craving Fall

Fall and Winter is when I feel my restricting creep in the hardest. I can curl up in a blanket, drink something warm, and enjoy the constant patter of rain and the overcast skies. 

Although I live in LA, where its almost never "winter." its still about 100 degrees outside and my soul is aching for fall. for winter. for rain. for fog. for cold. and empty. and big sweaters. and layers. and boots. with socks. sunken cheeks. and fragile wrists. 

I wait, anxiously 

Emptiness

I miss those days when I didnt feel insecure.
And I didnt need to go browse in the pantry when I feel my stomach ache from emptiness- I celebrated.
When my nails would turn blue, and my body was always freezing.
When I'd shake and exist in a state of constant lightheadedness.
When I'd get those titled head looks of concern, and people would try to force me to eat.
Feeling light and empty.
Wrapping myself up in blankets and filling my stomach with warm drinks while it pours rain outside.
Why is it such a struggle to get back?
It was such a lonely place, but i miss it terribly.
Im happy now. I have my boyfriend and my dog and school and riding and so many good things. But I still crave that emptiness- in every sense of the word.