consolation prize

my mood and feelings shift day to day. one day im freaking out and feeling like my heart is going to implode, and the next i feel happy and confident about where things are at. last night i saw him texting his ex. i know they sort of talk, and he refused to see her when he was back home- when he told me i was all "well, its your life- you can see her if you want to" blah blah acting all whatevs about it. but seeing her text pop up "so whatchya up to" ... my stomach dropped. and i started shaking. and my mind leaped into hyper-mode. But we went to sleep, he held me in his arms, kissing me, and i try to remind myself- he's here with me. he isnt back there with any other girl. but at the same time, i feel like i could be some consolation prize. the thing that he doesnt really want, but accepts just because, theres nothing better. whatever. he doesnt speak much, at least in person, so it makes things more difficult to assess, but when he texts me, things are far more clear- but sometimes its easier to say bullshit through texts, so as you can tell my mind just keeps flip flopping like a dying fish out of water. Here are some things i had to write down in my opposing states of mind.
I feel foolish. foolish to let myself get to such a point, where my glances are louder than my words. my curious mind. curious to a fault. till now ive always had the upper hand, the distance, the one being adored and wanted. now i feel ive been stripped of all control. ive never felt so vulnerable and my heart aches. im scared- no im absolutely terrified of how much i fell, because it can so easily be taken away. i want that confirmation that things are good. i want to know why he likes me. i need to hear these things but i wouldnt dare ask- i must appear effortless and nonchalant on the exterior while my mind races in panic. I wish i could check out again. its always worse to be the one that cares more- and i fear im in that dangerous territory, like a fool. i feel tamed for the first time- perhaps its his silence that lends itself to a certain mysteriousness giving him that control, making me feel like i am scrambling to catch his eye- yet always coming up not quite significant. my confidence i knew so well, so harnessed before- has escaped me. and i am left with only my thoughts to send me into a state of madness, quietly....
it was silly to panic. i mean, i guess in the moment it felt that all comfort and safety and happiness was crumbling through my fingers. but things are still really good- il just not ask any more questions thatll send me into a spiral. i just feel that with him, i dont need anybody, or anything else. we are invincible together. its a strange feeling to go from that "we can take on anything!" to utterly alone and hopeless. its just a reminder how vulnerable i am, and i think its okay. i have never felt more safe and eternal happiness than laying wrapped in his grasp. I adore him. every single thing about him, completely and moleculely. i think hes perfect, and his imperfections only contribute to his perfectness. perhaps im wearing rose-colored glasses, but really- i cant seem to look at him long enough without fearing that im forgetting a detail, or inhale his scent long enough, or hold onto him tight enough. i constantly am craving him. i feel pathetic, but i love it too..

as far as eating goes though, since thats the real reason were all here... its good. a few slip ups here and there, but im 2 pounds away from my starting weight, 125. and i feel like i could get to that by tomorrow. and then ill get back down to my plateau weight- 117. and then to my first goal 110. and so on.... but no food so far today. its only 11am, but just sayin... i want to look good for the boy, and its a good motivation to keep my mouth closed when it comes to food. and he knows about my eating, so it almost helps, like i need to prove myself and its seriousness, and not just being a over dramatic girl.