consolation prize

my mood and feelings shift day to day. one day im freaking out and feeling like my heart is going to implode, and the next i feel happy and confident about where things are at. last night i saw him texting his ex. i know they sort of talk, and he refused to see her when he was back home- when he told me i was all "well, its your life- you can see her if you want to" blah blah acting all whatevs about it. but seeing her text pop up "so whatchya up to" ... my stomach dropped. and i started shaking. and my mind leaped into hyper-mode. But we went to sleep, he held me in his arms, kissing me, and i try to remind myself- he's here with me. he isnt back there with any other girl. but at the same time, i feel like i could be some consolation prize. the thing that he doesnt really want, but accepts just because, theres nothing better. whatever. he doesnt speak much, at least in person, so it makes things more difficult to assess, but when he texts me, things are far more clear- but sometimes its easier to say bullshit through texts, so as you can tell my mind just keeps flip flopping like a dying fish out of water. Here are some things i had to write down in my opposing states of mind.
I feel foolish. foolish to let myself get to such a point, where my glances are louder than my words. my curious mind. curious to a fault. till now ive always had the upper hand, the distance, the one being adored and wanted. now i feel ive been stripped of all control. ive never felt so vulnerable and my heart aches. im scared- no im absolutely terrified of how much i fell, because it can so easily be taken away. i want that confirmation that things are good. i want to know why he likes me. i need to hear these things but i wouldnt dare ask- i must appear effortless and nonchalant on the exterior while my mind races in panic. I wish i could check out again. its always worse to be the one that cares more- and i fear im in that dangerous territory, like a fool. i feel tamed for the first time- perhaps its his silence that lends itself to a certain mysteriousness giving him that control, making me feel like i am scrambling to catch his eye- yet always coming up not quite significant. my confidence i knew so well, so harnessed before- has escaped me. and i am left with only my thoughts to send me into a state of madness, quietly....
it was silly to panic. i mean, i guess in the moment it felt that all comfort and safety and happiness was crumbling through my fingers. but things are still really good- il just not ask any more questions thatll send me into a spiral. i just feel that with him, i dont need anybody, or anything else. we are invincible together. its a strange feeling to go from that "we can take on anything!" to utterly alone and hopeless. its just a reminder how vulnerable i am, and i think its okay. i have never felt more safe and eternal happiness than laying wrapped in his grasp. I adore him. every single thing about him, completely and moleculely. i think hes perfect, and his imperfections only contribute to his perfectness. perhaps im wearing rose-colored glasses, but really- i cant seem to look at him long enough without fearing that im forgetting a detail, or inhale his scent long enough, or hold onto him tight enough. i constantly am craving him. i feel pathetic, but i love it too..

as far as eating goes though, since thats the real reason were all here... its good. a few slip ups here and there, but im 2 pounds away from my starting weight, 125. and i feel like i could get to that by tomorrow. and then ill get back down to my plateau weight- 117. and then to my first goal 110. and so on.... but no food so far today. its only 11am, but just sayin... i want to look good for the boy, and its a good motivation to keep my mouth closed when it comes to food. and he knows about my eating, so it almost helps, like i need to prove myself and its seriousness, and not just being a over dramatic girl.

i freaking miss the boy so much. I swear i probably am thinking about him 98% of my day.. NESSA, youre right- this puppy love feeling only lasts for so long, so im going to get as much of it as i possibly can. 

he comes back monday. The days seem to enjoy slowing, making it an even more painful process. I feel like we're going to be literally inseparable (though we already were) but if possible, even more now.. Ive known him my whole life, so to see him be affectionate and cute and all that is so bizarre, and gives me those exciting-chills, and i feel like i couldnt be luckier to be in this position. 

Im so conscious of everything though, like too calculated. Its worked out well though.. 

I never show jealousy or concern- confidence is way more attractive and guys definitely resort to cheating when the girl becomes the psycho paranoid bitch, so calm and cool is the way to be. 

I never say i love you, first. ever. big no. 

I didnt say "I miss you" first (with this specific situation/ week apart) 

Im very independent and a go-getter in a lot of aspects, but i have a good balance with a sweet/soft side. its important to have both.. 

every word, movement, whatever that i do- is so over-analyzed... but in all these years, ive had every guy ive pursued like me back, and have never been broken up with.. its nice to be on that side.

Anyways, I cant wait till he gets back, i feel sick just only being able to think about him, but not being able to do a thing about it. 

food-wise, i was doing so well, eating minimal, and working out everyday. today screwed me up due to a family dinner... intake probably no more than 500-600 cals i think? But still, ive been ending my days around 0 so i feel bloated and full and fat and disgusting. I need to get in shape for the boys return. ;) 

those are the only 2 things really been occupying my thoughts lately, sorry i couldnt be more exciting but i havent slept in two-three days and am part way through my zombie transformation. its a painful process and im losing control of my phalanges, so im going to get off now. heh 

xoxo 

JANEDOE

Today's Intake:
1 small flour tortilla w grilled chicken (170)
1 string cheese (80)

Yesterday's Intake:
1 crepe ("hot margarita crepe")  (200)
1 slice toast (60)
1 starbucks drink, no whip (100)

Intake has been pretty okay. Could be better, but im not out of control, which is all that really matters at this point. If i can just keep up this pace for awhile, then everything will be just fine. I can feel myself getting better. I actually wore a fitted shirt yesterday that was tight around my torso and it looked good, until I had my crepe, then i felt immediately disgusting!

in other news, I just hung out w the boy tonight, the one who has the gf and him and i have had this intense connection and tension for years and stuff, but finally i think im over it. Ready to move on. He had the chance and it passed and thats his deal, i cant wait around for him, and no one wants that kind of person anyways. so theres not point in letting myself be that pathetic. on to better things. :)

Im very excited to begin new art projects. Im starting one now where I am going to attempt to be pen pals with strangers by finding random addresses on google maps and just send out letters and hopefully a few will respond. I try to be optimistic when projects rely heavily on other people participating. Then after awhile of writing, im going to make a book of all my letters and their letters, and this very distant and possibly conjured relationship.

Getting started writing has been difficult. I want to write. I spend my days thinking about writing, and going to antique stores and looking for more objects, letters, and photographs for my next Collection piece. But its hard to actually get around to doing these things.

Ive been in a very calm mood lately, so all my dubstep and hip hop and metal has sort of had a break, and ive been mixing new releases and old fav's...this is my current playlist:
Tunes im diggin at the moment:


High for This; The Weeknd
Wild is the Wind; Cat Power
Last Song; Clogs (w/ Matt Berninger)
Best Unsaid; Michael Brook
Death to Birth; Pagoda (Michael Pitt)
Minnesota, WI; Bon Iver
Doing the Wrong Thing; Kaki King
Codex; Radiohead
Right Away, Great Captain (the entire "The Bitter End" album is brilliant)
Directionless Front; Carcrashlander
The Kettering; The Antlers
Be Comfortabe, Creature; Explosions in the Sky

& Music (Instrumental) inspired Thinspo 

"Man i aint even been to da gym in a minute... "

So for the first time in what feels like forever, I have those stomach feelings of...... a crush.

Ive had the most DEAD love interest life for the past year. And I am so picky too. Ive broken up with all my ex's & ended all my guy interests. So i cant settle for any guy just to have some sort of exciting life. Anyways, its really exciting. only thing!!! he has a girlfriend. They fight a lot though. I dunno, ive broken up couples (not on purpose) but i know if i really worked at it, i prolly could. but im definitely not that evil. So i dont know how to really handle the situation, its the most gut twisting feeling. but way exciting. Ill just be all nonchalant about it til the time is right. But work my way into his head. I got this. hah ;)

Dis a lil bbbbbranch right here, dis aint even no tree.

"Man i aint even been to da gym in a minute... "

So for the first time in what feels like forever, I have those stomach feelings of...... a crush.

Ive had the most DEAD love interest life for the past year. And I am so picky too. Ive broken up with all my ex's & ended all my guy interests. So i cant settle for any guy just to have some sort of exciting life. Anyways, its really exciting. only thing!!! he has a girlfriend. They fight a lot though. I dunno, ive broken up couples (not on purpose) but i know if i really worked at it, i prolly could. but im definitely not that evil. So i dont know how to really handle the situation, its the most gut twisting feeling. but way exciting. Ill just be all nonchalant about it til the time is right. But work my way into his head. I got this. hah ;)

Dis a lil bbbbbranch right here, dis aint even no tree.

"Man i aint even been to da gym in a minute... "

So for the first time in what feels like forever, I have those stomach feelings of...... a crush.

Ive had the most DEAD love interest life for the past year. And I am so picky too. Ive broken up with all my ex's & ended all my guy interests. So i cant settle for any guy just to have some sort of exciting life. Anyways, its really exciting. only thing!!! he has a girlfriend. They fight a lot though. I dunno, ive broken up couples (not on purpose) but i know if i really worked at it, i prolly could. but im definitely not that evil. So i dont know how to really handle the situation, its the most gut twisting feeling. but way exciting. Ill just be all nonchalant about it til the time is right. But work my way into his head. I got this. hah ;)

Dis a lil bbbbbranch right here, dis aint even no tree.