“I love you also means I love you more than anyone loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, I love you in a way that no one loves you, or has loved you, or will love you, and also, I love you in a way that I love no one else, and never have loved anyone else, and never will love anyone else.” 

it was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

so the news of my relationship leaked. and i was so naive and ignorant to think it would just go over smoothly. parents kicked him out. forced me to come home for a few days. probably selling our place and i have to find a new place to rent now. it caused the most dramatic of changes and I havent been able to stop crying. and living with him for the last like, 7 months- every single thing i see reminds me of him and memories together. at the grocery store, driving, music, hikes, foods, animals, phrases, tv shows, people, etc. and it kills me. but were trying to figure things out. its complicated and i could lose everything in my life, my family and support if i go against my parents wishes, but we'd do anything to be together and i cant imagine not having him in my life every day. hes at our place now getting his things out so when i get home, his closet will be empty, his things removed from their location, his tv gone from the bedroom, his body wash and cologne and drumsticks and sketchbook and sugary snacks and everything will be gone. and that is going to break me down so hard and fast, it makes me cry just thinking about him being removed from my life metaphorically through his tangible belongings. hopefully not for too long though.

consolation prize

my mood and feelings shift day to day. one day im freaking out and feeling like my heart is going to implode, and the next i feel happy and confident about where things are at. last night i saw him texting his ex. i know they sort of talk, and he refused to see her when he was back home- when he told me i was all "well, its your life- you can see her if you want to" blah blah acting all whatevs about it. but seeing her text pop up "so whatchya up to" ... my stomach dropped. and i started shaking. and my mind leaped into hyper-mode. But we went to sleep, he held me in his arms, kissing me, and i try to remind myself- he's here with me. he isnt back there with any other girl. but at the same time, i feel like i could be some consolation prize. the thing that he doesnt really want, but accepts just because, theres nothing better. whatever. he doesnt speak much, at least in person, so it makes things more difficult to assess, but when he texts me, things are far more clear- but sometimes its easier to say bullshit through texts, so as you can tell my mind just keeps flip flopping like a dying fish out of water. Here are some things i had to write down in my opposing states of mind.
I feel foolish. foolish to let myself get to such a point, where my glances are louder than my words. my curious mind. curious to a fault. till now ive always had the upper hand, the distance, the one being adored and wanted. now i feel ive been stripped of all control. ive never felt so vulnerable and my heart aches. im scared- no im absolutely terrified of how much i fell, because it can so easily be taken away. i want that confirmation that things are good. i want to know why he likes me. i need to hear these things but i wouldnt dare ask- i must appear effortless and nonchalant on the exterior while my mind races in panic. I wish i could check out again. its always worse to be the one that cares more- and i fear im in that dangerous territory, like a fool. i feel tamed for the first time- perhaps its his silence that lends itself to a certain mysteriousness giving him that control, making me feel like i am scrambling to catch his eye- yet always coming up not quite significant. my confidence i knew so well, so harnessed before- has escaped me. and i am left with only my thoughts to send me into a state of madness, quietly....
it was silly to panic. i mean, i guess in the moment it felt that all comfort and safety and happiness was crumbling through my fingers. but things are still really good- il just not ask any more questions thatll send me into a spiral. i just feel that with him, i dont need anybody, or anything else. we are invincible together. its a strange feeling to go from that "we can take on anything!" to utterly alone and hopeless. its just a reminder how vulnerable i am, and i think its okay. i have never felt more safe and eternal happiness than laying wrapped in his grasp. I adore him. every single thing about him, completely and moleculely. i think hes perfect, and his imperfections only contribute to his perfectness. perhaps im wearing rose-colored glasses, but really- i cant seem to look at him long enough without fearing that im forgetting a detail, or inhale his scent long enough, or hold onto him tight enough. i constantly am craving him. i feel pathetic, but i love it too..

as far as eating goes though, since thats the real reason were all here... its good. a few slip ups here and there, but im 2 pounds away from my starting weight, 125. and i feel like i could get to that by tomorrow. and then ill get back down to my plateau weight- 117. and then to my first goal 110. and so on.... but no food so far today. its only 11am, but just sayin... i want to look good for the boy, and its a good motivation to keep my mouth closed when it comes to food. and he knows about my eating, so it almost helps, like i need to prove myself and its seriousness, and not just being a over dramatic girl.

Love, Beauty, and Everything Else.

Sometimes I wish i didnt care.

I wish that hurt and pain didnt exist. I wish that longing for something missing was only an abstract concept. I wish that love had only happy endings, and romance was real. Everything beautiful in this world wouldn't turn. and all the hidden evils would be exposed.

This empty, longing feeling is burrowing deep. Eden Ahbez said, The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return (also quotes in Moulin Rouge). what a beautifully true statement.

I wish that all people could see the beauty in everything.. It allows daily life the chance to really be significant, and worth while. Thats one thing I absolutely love about being an artist. In literally everything, there is beauty and curiosity. The ability to not just look, but really see things, is such a gift; and its sad that people can blindly walk past thousands of amazing things, happily; fulfilled by their superficial Sims esk lifestyle.

I wish i could fall asleep next to the boy i love; wake up late morning, with sleepy eyes, gaze out the window, to see trees, many many trees, with damp green moss. hovered over by heavy clouds, releasing tension in a rainy song. a cup of hot chocolate, sketchbook and pen. wander the forest, even rest by the creek for an hour, at least. return to a warm home just before dark. Id give anything right now for that smell of fresh rain in heavy woods, the sound of the drips echoing accompanied by birds and shifting branches, and my footsteps on the forest floor. slip under a blanket, still able to hear the knocking of rain, my house in its falling path. Ive been trapped in this cement jungle for too long, i have taken advantage of this environment my whole life, and I am having the strongest craving!

Every action we perform in life, is analyzed far too long. Consequences and ambivalence imprison us.

I've been spending about 3 hours thinking about all this emotion; too much beauty that i want to cry... a boy that i like so much but refuses to talk to me soley so i abandoned him, waiting for my cinderella ending, with no glass slipper in sight.... a home and family, with memories of love and comfort that i wish i could wrap around me, like the blanket im currently bundled in... A beautiful score by a magnificent composer that slips you into a vulnerable victim of your own emotion... a piece of art, so well executed, a breath of awe is pulled from your mouth, humbled to be in its presence... the most genuine act of kindness... the instinctual activity of creatures and things on this planet, in harmony, our own inner-working, biology, working for us at every moment...

I wish restricting would give me everything i ever wanted.

(Beauty by means of Forest, Skies, Dirt, Cells, Surface)

Some Scores I listened to while writing this:

Max Richter: On the Nature of Daylight, Organum, The Haunted Ocean 4

Max Avery Lichtenstein: Tarnation

Michael Giacchino: Win one for the reaper

Michael Suby: Kayleigh's Funeral

Javier Navarrete: Pan's Labyrinth Lullaby, Long Long Time Ago

Kevin kern: Butterfly, Fairy Wings