The Eagle has Landed

Before i begin, Id like to announce that JD has returned! And we've all missed her so much!! 


So after the scale sending shockwaves through my system, and an endless limit of aftershocks. Let me explain how pleased I feel to be back in control, on track, motivated, mouth shut, workin out, and being able to taste progress in substitution of fat. 
..... Huge sigh of relief. 

I tried to be healthy. 

I tried to be normal, and eat normal.

It isnt normal though when you eat, and youre screaming in your head with every bite, and chew.

and it isnt normal to change your outfit 20 times before you can find something to hide that fat that only you can see. 

it isnt normal to be classified as underweight, and secretly wanting to lose another 30 pounds. 

and of course i could go on and on,

SO when i say i tried to be normal, and eat normal. there was nothing normal about it. 

and i guess nothing honest about it. 

so why would i fake it? 
I was tired of trying to convince myself that I had to do this. 
I didnt want to, (it was a test my therapist told me to try, to get my body back on track), I still felt extreme guilt, I got totally out of control, gained weight, have been hating my body, ...  everything has just been far too overwhelming, and so , its my body- and we only have one body (im not going to slip into a religious/spirituality/reincarnation conversation right now), so why would i not do everything in my power to make my one body something i am happy and proud to be locked in. 

My therapist knew that after my breakdown that I am not going to be able to eat easily. And I talked to her this afternoon and had eaten nothing.

I started a new food log, keeping track of what i eat, what time i eat it, how many calories. total calories, & net calories, exercise, weight, and measurements. daily.  Its a lovely 5"x3" moleskin journal . I keep it with me all day, and am dedicated to staying on track, and when i have to write everything down, it obviously helps me from slipping up and snacking, because even having to write down 1 bite of whatever, is a full line in the book, which visually- looks like a lot! (Even if it was just, 1 bite of an apple, or whatever)... 


Also i was talking to my roommate and explaining how unhappy ive been with my weight, and how ive gained and want to get back down to where i was. and she got all serious and explained that shes not trying to make me feel better because she knows its how i feel and she understands the feeling, but people have always thought i was "way too skinny. too too skinny".... and that she, and no one else, has seen any change in that. It was nice to hear that... but ultimately, doesnt change my opinion at all. 
it would be so easy if all our evil lil thoughts could go away with reassurance, or a compliment, or whatever makes us feel good. Its actually irrelevant. You think im too skinny? ... then you dont even know what skinny is woman! heh 


So, INTAKE:
2pm: detox juice (60 cal)
6pm: 1/2 yerba mate tea (35 cal)
8pm: hamburger w feta, no bun (300 cal) 
                     ----i was NOT planning on dinner but my roommate wanted to have a "family dinner night" and we've been so busy i wanted to spend time w her so i felt obligated to. at least no bun though, right?! :/ 


EXERCISE: 
-200 on eliptical
-200 on treadmill, walking, at incline 15. 
-178 for hundreds of sit-ups 


395
-578
=  -183 


I am so excited to be back in control. I felt (for the first time in months) shaky, and dizzy ... that of course being before the beef patty placed in front of me. grrr. 
Its okay, tomorrow, I have pilates, horseback riding, prolly gym too. and Im estimating no more than 200-300 calories (detox juice, and something before riding). 




Thinspo celebration for being back on track. 
I've seen a lot of bloggers try to be healthy, or leave... and it seems like everyone is coming back, and catching up with dear ol' ana. 
and heres for them, and for the people who are staying on track and doing fabulous! , and to the people who need a lil extra boost! 
xoxo 

The Eagle has Landed

Before i begin, Id like to announce that JD has returned! And we've all missed her so much!! 


So after the scale sending shockwaves through my system, and an endless limit of aftershocks. Let me explain how pleased I feel to be back in control, on track, motivated, mouth shut, workin out, and being able to taste progress in substitution of fat. 
..... Huge sigh of relief. 

I tried to be healthy. 

I tried to be normal, and eat normal.

It isnt normal though when you eat, and youre screaming in your head with every bite, and chew.

and it isnt normal to change your outfit 20 times before you can find something to hide that fat that only you can see. 

it isnt normal to be classified as underweight, and secretly wanting to lose another 30 pounds. 

and of course i could go on and on,

SO when i say i tried to be normal, and eat normal. there was nothing normal about it. 

and i guess nothing honest about it. 

so why would i fake it? 
I was tired of trying to convince myself that I had to do this. 
I didnt want to, (it was a test my therapist told me to try, to get my body back on track), I still felt extreme guilt, I got totally out of control, gained weight, have been hating my body, ...  everything has just been far too overwhelming, and so , its my body- and we only have one body (im not going to slip into a religious/spirituality/reincarnation conversation right now), so why would i not do everything in my power to make my one body something i am happy and proud to be locked in. 

My therapist knew that after my breakdown that I am not going to be able to eat easily. And I talked to her this afternoon and had eaten nothing.

I started a new food log, keeping track of what i eat, what time i eat it, how many calories. total calories, & net calories, exercise, weight, and measurements. daily.  Its a lovely 5"x3" moleskin journal . I keep it with me all day, and am dedicated to staying on track, and when i have to write everything down, it obviously helps me from slipping up and snacking, because even having to write down 1 bite of whatever, is a full line in the book, which visually- looks like a lot! (Even if it was just, 1 bite of an apple, or whatever)... 


Also i was talking to my roommate and explaining how unhappy ive been with my weight, and how ive gained and want to get back down to where i was. and she got all serious and explained that shes not trying to make me feel better because she knows its how i feel and she understands the feeling, but people have always thought i was "way too skinny. too too skinny".... and that she, and no one else, has seen any change in that. It was nice to hear that... but ultimately, doesnt change my opinion at all. 
it would be so easy if all our evil lil thoughts could go away with reassurance, or a compliment, or whatever makes us feel good. Its actually irrelevant. You think im too skinny? ... then you dont even know what skinny is woman! heh 


So, INTAKE:
2pm: detox juice (60 cal)
6pm: 1/2 yerba mate tea (35 cal)
8pm: hamburger w feta, no bun (300 cal) 
                     ----i was NOT planning on dinner but my roommate wanted to have a "family dinner night" and we've been so busy i wanted to spend time w her so i felt obligated to. at least no bun though, right?! :/ 


EXERCISE: 
-200 on eliptical
-200 on treadmill, walking, at incline 15. 
-178 for hundreds of sit-ups 


395
-578
=  -183 


I am so excited to be back in control. I felt (for the first time in months) shaky, and dizzy ... that of course being before the beef patty placed in front of me. grrr. 
Its okay, tomorrow, I have pilates, horseback riding, prolly gym too. and Im estimating no more than 200-300 calories (detox juice, and something before riding). 




Thinspo celebration for being back on track. 
I've seen a lot of bloggers try to be healthy, or leave... and it seems like everyone is coming back, and catching up with dear ol' ana. 
and heres for them, and for the people who are staying on track and doing fabulous! , and to the people who need a lil extra boost! 
xoxo 

The Eagle has Landed

Before i begin, Id like to announce that JD has returned! And we've all missed her so much!! 


So after the scale sending shockwaves through my system, and an endless limit of aftershocks. Let me explain how pleased I feel to be back in control, on track, motivated, mouth shut, workin out, and being able to taste progress in substitution of fat. 
..... Huge sigh of relief. 

I tried to be healthy. 

I tried to be normal, and eat normal.

It isnt normal though when you eat, and youre screaming in your head with every bite, and chew.

and it isnt normal to change your outfit 20 times before you can find something to hide that fat that only you can see. 

it isnt normal to be classified as underweight, and secretly wanting to lose another 30 pounds. 

and of course i could go on and on,

SO when i say i tried to be normal, and eat normal. there was nothing normal about it. 

and i guess nothing honest about it. 

so why would i fake it? 
I was tired of trying to convince myself that I had to do this. 
I didnt want to, (it was a test my therapist told me to try, to get my body back on track), I still felt extreme guilt, I got totally out of control, gained weight, have been hating my body, ...  everything has just been far too overwhelming, and so , its my body- and we only have one body (im not going to slip into a religious/spirituality/reincarnation conversation right now), so why would i not do everything in my power to make my one body something i am happy and proud to be locked in. 

My therapist knew that after my breakdown that I am not going to be able to eat easily. And I talked to her this afternoon and had eaten nothing.

I started a new food log, keeping track of what i eat, what time i eat it, how many calories. total calories, & net calories, exercise, weight, and measurements. daily.  Its a lovely 5"x3" moleskin journal . I keep it with me all day, and am dedicated to staying on track, and when i have to write everything down, it obviously helps me from slipping up and snacking, because even having to write down 1 bite of whatever, is a full line in the book, which visually- looks like a lot! (Even if it was just, 1 bite of an apple, or whatever)... 


Also i was talking to my roommate and explaining how unhappy ive been with my weight, and how ive gained and want to get back down to where i was. and she got all serious and explained that shes not trying to make me feel better because she knows its how i feel and she understands the feeling, but people have always thought i was "way too skinny. too too skinny".... and that she, and no one else, has seen any change in that. It was nice to hear that... but ultimately, doesnt change my opinion at all. 
it would be so easy if all our evil lil thoughts could go away with reassurance, or a compliment, or whatever makes us feel good. Its actually irrelevant. You think im too skinny? ... then you dont even know what skinny is woman! heh 


So, INTAKE:
2pm: detox juice (60 cal)
6pm: 1/2 yerba mate tea (35 cal)
8pm: hamburger w feta, no bun (300 cal) 
                     ----i was NOT planning on dinner but my roommate wanted to have a "family dinner night" and we've been so busy i wanted to spend time w her so i felt obligated to. at least no bun though, right?! :/ 


EXERCISE: 
-200 on eliptical
-200 on treadmill, walking, at incline 15. 
-178 for hundreds of sit-ups 


395
-578
=  -183 


I am so excited to be back in control. I felt (for the first time in months) shaky, and dizzy ... that of course being before the beef patty placed in front of me. grrr. 
Its okay, tomorrow, I have pilates, horseback riding, prolly gym too. and Im estimating no more than 200-300 calories (detox juice, and something before riding). 




Thinspo celebration for being back on track. 
I've seen a lot of bloggers try to be healthy, or leave... and it seems like everyone is coming back, and catching up with dear ol' ana. 
and heres for them, and for the people who are staying on track and doing fabulous! , and to the people who need a lil extra boost! 
xoxo 

error... breakdown... reboot...

therapist made me get on the scale today. I am way higher than i thought i was at..... I totally broke down, started crying, and couldnt think about anything else besides the number, and my plan to fast, and fast til i hit my goal weight. I am still in shock.
I bought coffee to brew daily so I fill up on coffee, tea, and water and have no room for snacking. And I am eliminating all breads and sugar from my diet. Basically I will survive on coffee tea water and granola, vegetables and fruit (I know theres sugar in fruit, but i want to eliminate only the sweets kinda sugar)..
I am going back to my habit of keeping a detailed log of my intake.
That kept me on track before, and it will work again
Im seriously panicking like crazy right now.
I wish I could give myself lipo!
Well, im a wreck, and cannot think, and therefore cannot write.
Im going to sleep. Ready for an empty-bellied-month. & Maybe by May i will have lost some weight!
I hope you are all doing way better than me.
I feel like a totally failure. But its my body, my life, and I will not let myself be unhappy with sometime i have control of. I will change, and manipulate my form til its perfect.
cheers to determination, will power, and perfection
xoxo

error... breakdown... reboot...

therapist made me get on the scale today. I am way higher than i thought i was at..... I totally broke down, started crying, and couldnt think about anything else besides the number, and my plan to fast, and fast til i hit my goal weight. I am still in shock.
I bought coffee to brew daily so I fill up on coffee, tea, and water and have no room for snacking. And I am eliminating all breads and sugar from my diet. Basically I will survive on coffee tea water and granola, vegetables and fruit (I know theres sugar in fruit, but i want to eliminate only the sweets kinda sugar)..
I am going back to my habit of keeping a detailed log of my intake.
That kept me on track before, and it will work again
Im seriously panicking like crazy right now.
I wish I could give myself lipo!
Well, im a wreck, and cannot think, and therefore cannot write.
Im going to sleep. Ready for an empty-bellied-month. & Maybe by May i will have lost some weight!
I hope you are all doing way better than me.
I feel like a totally failure. But its my body, my life, and I will not let myself be unhappy with sometime i have control of. I will change, and manipulate my form til its perfect.
cheers to determination, will power, and perfection
xoxo

error... breakdown... reboot...

therapist made me get on the scale today. I am way higher than i thought i was at..... I totally broke down, started crying, and couldnt think about anything else besides the number, and my plan to fast, and fast til i hit my goal weight. I am still in shock.
I bought coffee to brew daily so I fill up on coffee, tea, and water and have no room for snacking. And I am eliminating all breads and sugar from my diet. Basically I will survive on coffee tea water and granola, vegetables and fruit (I know theres sugar in fruit, but i want to eliminate only the sweets kinda sugar)..
I am going back to my habit of keeping a detailed log of my intake.
That kept me on track before, and it will work again
Im seriously panicking like crazy right now.
I wish I could give myself lipo!
Well, im a wreck, and cannot think, and therefore cannot write.
Im going to sleep. Ready for an empty-bellied-month. & Maybe by May i will have lost some weight!
I hope you are all doing way better than me.
I feel like a totally failure. But its my body, my life, and I will not let myself be unhappy with sometime i have control of. I will change, and manipulate my form til its perfect.
cheers to determination, will power, and perfection
xoxo

11:37 pm

Intake :

    4 cookies: 260 calories

    3 slices of deli turkey: 80 calories

    1 salt water taffy: 22 calories

           I made ghirardelli chocolate chip cookies for my two roommates. Unfortunately, they're sitting on the counter tempting me all day too. Terrible terrible terrible. Never going to make that awful mistake again! I wish i had better self control, but to be honest, I just need things not to be accessible. And if I go out and buy something, like two minutes later ill get this anger and im like "what are you thinking?! You dont need that. Get that out of here RIGHT NOW!" so ill run into the kitchen, and just throw about 2/3 of my groceries. 

Not quite the most money-effecient thought process, but I really don't care at this point. 

          So Im reading this book of case studies of multiple personality disorders, and its SO interesting! Heres the amazing link if youre interested. But i've noticed that whenever they mention words like, Ward, Hospitalized, Sick, Inpatient, etc.. I feel more inspired to not eat. I think its because at the point of my longest fasts and my deepest points of this, I was watching a lot of Girl Interrupted, and ED documentaries, and reading all the ED books, and was consumed by it. And really want to get to that point of people wanting to send me away, (just knowing that im THAT thin.... not a cry for attention, come on now.... ). 

Anyways, I found that sort of interesting. 

Maybe I need to just immerse myself in all of that again? 

          Im sitting on my chair, with salt water taffy literally an arms length away from me, and a plate of cookies 10 steps away. Good thing I just showered and my big ol mirror screamed at me for having to reflect such an awful image. I really want it to be easy again. I dont understand why I now have cravings for food. Why, only a few months ago, I couldnt be happier going days without food. No cravings. No slip ups. 

Do i just have a faulty memory? And I romanticizing that time? 

I feel like it was all so easy and so perfect. I have notebooks of my food logs. I didnt slip up much from what I can tell on that. 

Im back to an okay track. No meals. Just some snacking. So now I just need to eliminated that, and survive off of little to NO calories. 

YAY FOR BEING SICK IN THE BRAINY! 

xoxo