Intake :
4 cookies: 260 calories
3 slices of deli turkey: 80 calories
1 salt water taffy: 22 calories
I made ghirardelli chocolate chip cookies for my two roommates. Unfortunately, they're sitting on the counter tempting me all day too. Terrible terrible terrible. Never going to make that awful mistake again! I wish i had better self control, but to be honest, I just need things not to be accessible. And if I go out and buy something, like two minutes later ill get this anger and im like "what are you thinking?! You dont need that. Get that out of here RIGHT NOW!" so ill run into the kitchen, and just throw about 2/3 of my groceries.
Not quite the most money-effecient thought process, but I really don't care at this point.
So Im reading this book of case studies of multiple personality disorders, and its SO interesting! Heres the amazing link if youre interested. But i've noticed that whenever they mention words like, Ward, Hospitalized, Sick, Inpatient, etc.. I feel more inspired to not eat. I think its because at the point of my longest fasts and my deepest points of this, I was watching a lot of Girl Interrupted, and ED documentaries, and reading all the ED books, and was consumed by it. And really want to get to that point of people wanting to send me away, (just knowing that im THAT thin.... not a cry for attention, come on now.... ).
Anyways, I found that sort of interesting.
Maybe I need to just immerse myself in all of that again?
Im sitting on my chair, with salt water taffy literally an arms length away from me, and a plate of cookies 10 steps away. Good thing I just showered and my big ol mirror screamed at me for having to reflect such an awful image. I really want it to be easy again. I dont understand why I now have cravings for food. Why, only a few months ago, I couldnt be happier going days without food. No cravings. No slip ups.
Do i just have a faulty memory? And I romanticizing that time?
I feel like it was all so easy and so perfect. I have notebooks of my food logs. I didnt slip up much from what I can tell on that.
Im back to an okay track. No meals. Just some snacking. So now I just need to eliminated that, and survive off of little to NO calories.
YAY FOR BEING SICK IN THE BRAINY!
xoxo
Self control is the hardest part for me, too. I debated throwing all my snack food away because if it's not there, I can't be tempted, right? Then I thought about how much money that would be throwing away, and I figure the food is healthy, so I haven't thrown it yet. I almost want to be able to keep it there, and work on controlling myself, I think I'd feel better doing it that way. Also, don't worry about restricting being difficult, you've done it before, and you need a little something anyway. Think of a snack as more of a reward for not having a huge meal, it's a better replacement, so you can feel good about that.
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