NOOO!! I dont need that shit!
I was just going to get up and get a snack... and looked at this girls fb page and shes tiny. everyone is actually angry at her because she is "too thin". but she snapped me out of that hunger-trance.
I immediately got motivated to get on here, check out yo blogs, post, search for thinspo & feel that hunger eat me up. mmm. I need that attention, and that squint of the eye from people as they scan me up and down, assessing my body, health, and ultimately come to a conclusion that im far too skinny. where size 0 pants sag around my body.
and i dont know why i talk about it as a dream. its a possibility, and its all completely in my control. I want that, and I can get it. and I enjoy it. I love the hunger, i love the thinspo and the people, i love the tv shows, and the tea and veggies. I love shrinking. blue fingertips, cold body, shaky , lightheaded, drifting into another being. its the greatest. and when you finally feel proud of your body, its absolutely the greatest feeling. I know i was never at a point where im like, "ok, ive reached my goal. now lets maintain this ish. i got this" ... i got to a point where i could wear shorts, and wear tighter shirts, and there were no lumps or bulges or pockets of cottage cheese shoved under my flesh.
And i havent felt that confidence in probably a year.
So i know ive been saying how ready i am. I need it. Im ready! blah blah blah. But ive actually been clinging onto it.
intake today:
1 cup noodles
1 spoon peanut butter
.......and right now, im laying on the couch, and i cannot move! last night i somehow tweaked the shit out of my neck, and i cant look to my left. I took advil, got icy-hot rub, and sat in the hot tub for an hour. and its just getting worse. i have a massage scheduled for friday, but tomorrow i work 10-5, and thursday im driving 7 hours up to norcal. So im in troubbbblle. my pup keeps trying to attack me, or chew on things, or pounce on my face so i just keep hurting my neck more. but the pain is getting more and more and more intense, and when i hit that right tweaked spot, my whole body freezes and the pain rises and goes away in this horrible way, that lasts like 7 seconds, and my eyes and hands are squeezed and im trying to breathe through it but i feel like my head is going to roll off! erg. at least if im couch-ridden i cant get up and search through the kitchen! hahah
Those moments have probably saved me several pounds. I always get them mid-eating, after the first bite or two, and end up trashing the rest of my food which is quite wasteful. I'm sorry about the tweaked neck, that can hurt quite a bit!
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