Emptiness

I miss those days when I didnt feel insecure.
And I didnt need to go browse in the pantry when I feel my stomach ache from emptiness- I celebrated.
When my nails would turn blue, and my body was always freezing.
When I'd shake and exist in a state of constant lightheadedness.
When I'd get those titled head looks of concern, and people would try to force me to eat.
Feeling light and empty.
Wrapping myself up in blankets and filling my stomach with warm drinks while it pours rain outside.
Why is it such a struggle to get back?
It was such a lonely place, but i miss it terribly.
Im happy now. I have my boyfriend and my dog and school and riding and so many good things. But I still crave that emptiness- in every sense of the word.

133.

Losing. Slowly...

I use to loose like 3 lbs in a day. and now its barely 1 pound a day. thats ridiculous. Maybe thats because I dont have the gym. Either way, its incredibly annoying!

Thinspo

8:00

Too nervous to step on the scale.
I dont want to step on it until I know for sure i've lost a good amount of weight.
I moved so I dont have my apartment gym anymore which totally sucks. I use to go there and work off every calorie I ate that day, and more. Even if that meant going at 3am.
Now i have nothing.
Im thinking about signing up for a gym membership, but school is about to start and I will have no time to do anything so we'll see. I feel like if I get the membership,  i will make time to go.

3:06

its so frustrating..
I wake up. stomach growling. I feel a bit skinnier. lighter. tighter. and yet. the numbers are not changing. or at least not dramatically.
Im taking the hCG pills, and cut back my food to under 500 cals a day.
I remember when I would do days and days, even a week or more without a single bite of food.
I wish i could do that again.
But i have eyes on me now.
My boyfriend is always around and he loved to have meals together (granted, most couples do enjoy that. but not when youre trying to starve yourself!)
Im doing a fair job keeping him from being suspicious though.
I just need to get over this beginning hump and then i hope itll all be easier and the weight will just fall off my body..
it use to be so easy!

133 and counting...

Ive been working out super hard the last few days. and trying to keep in that 500 cal restriction diet plan for the hCG.

Today:
no breakfast
lunch: bites of salad. a few bits of pesto pasta. and a piece of bread. (i know pasta and bread! ugh but i needed the energy for this insane workout).
dinner: no plans yet, but if i do eat, itll be something super small...

current obsession: Cara !