i love when im about to screw up and grab all the food i can get my lil hands on, &then then i get this huge 'ana moment'... whatever spurs it, thinspo, friends, my own image, memories, whatever... i just get so excited.
NOOO!! I dont need that shit!
I was just going to get up and get a snack... and looked at this girls fb page and shes tiny. everyone is actually angry at her because she is "too thin". but she snapped me out of that hunger-trance.
I immediately got motivated to get on here, check out yo blogs, post, search for thinspo & feel that hunger eat me up. mmm. I need that attention, and that squint of the eye from people as they scan me up and down, assessing my body, health, and ultimately come to a conclusion that im far too skinny. where size 0 pants sag around my body.
and i dont know why i talk about it as a dream. its a possibility, and its all completely in my control. I want that, and I can get it. and I enjoy it. I love the hunger, i love the thinspo and the people, i love the tv shows, and the tea and veggies. I love shrinking. blue fingertips, cold body, shaky , lightheaded, drifting into another being. its the greatest. and when you finally feel proud of your body, its absolutely the greatest feeling. I know i was never at a point where im like, "ok, ive reached my goal. now lets maintain this ish. i got this" ... i got to a point where i could wear shorts, and wear tighter shirts, and there were no lumps or bulges or pockets of cottage cheese shoved under my flesh.
And i havent felt that confidence in probably a year.
So i know ive been saying how ready i am. I need it. Im ready! blah blah blah. But ive actually been clinging onto it.
   intake today:
     1 cup noodles
     1 spoon peanut butter
.......and right now, im laying on the couch, and i cannot move! last night i somehow tweaked the shit out of my neck, and i cant look to my left. I took advil, got icy-hot rub, and sat in the hot tub for an hour. and its just getting worse. i have a massage scheduled for friday, but tomorrow i work 10-5, and thursday im driving 7 hours up to norcal. So im in troubbbblle. my pup keeps trying to attack me, or chew on things, or pounce on my face so i just keep hurting my neck more. but the pain is getting more and more and more intense, and when i hit that right tweaked spot, my whole body freezes and the pain rises and goes away in this horrible way, that lasts like 7 seconds, and my eyes and hands are squeezed and im trying to breathe through it but i feel like my head is going to roll off! erg. at least if im couch-ridden i cant get up and search through the kitchen! hahah

eX Files

Recently, I've been watching a lot of x files, its actually more like an x files marathon. It's been about 4 days and im on disk 2 of season 3.
Im dedicated.
Dedicated to watching x files, and dedicated to avoid any and every thought or fear about my current: just-out-of-college-and-what-to-do-with-myself-now, situation...

So instead of trying to be a productive young adult and make work, send out applications for internships and work, and "marketing" myself (the hardest task for us anti-social introverts)... I hide out in my condo, lights out, blinds closed, under my warm blanket watching x files, for hours, because its these little things that make me feel like im doing something with myself. instead of, Alright! Finished documenting my work! or, Applications Sent!  its, Disk #6: Done! Bam!

So mentally halfway into my onsetting psychosis, my roommate Olive begins talking to me about her ex boyfriend, and about how whenever something or someone puts pressure on his skin, all these bumps start appearing. And he sent her this picture of his eye and lip all swollen and doctors have no idea whats going on. But apparently, he could have had a heart attack if he didnt make it in to the clinic!
So, Im thinking... how do i get in contact with Mulder and Scully?! because they'd certainly be interested in what we've got going on here in the streets of los angeles.

If i sent this image, theyd be here in minutes.

ok so i never actually saw the picture of what he looked like, and this isnt even remotely close to what he would look like even if he aged, and got raped by fungus and disease. But this is just what came to mind. Because my mind is spiraling into a state of paranoia and crime fighting due to the power of the fictitious federal bureau of investigation duo. Also, everyone loves exaggerations.

In a desperate attempt to get a single thing done; just to say ive completed... something- I finished a small illustration i started two days ago. I like patterns. Its the OCD in me.

Now, i'm sitting in my living room, its 3:44 am and i am fighting sleep.
I already have problems falling asleep and so its baffling that during this small window of opportunity where my body and mind finally sync up to collapse into a zombie-like slumber, where 90% of the time i have awful dreams that make me hate sleep even more, i sit up and resist the urge to lay down and rest.
and when i wake up in a couple hours, lacking the required "beauty sleep" for about the 5 consecutive year, this is what I will look like: with mass murder-lightning bolt power in one hand, and a lightsaber in the other. Tomorrow morning is looking bright! ;)

Food:: Blech. off and on. I wont eat anything till like 10 pm, and then ill get sucked into a dinner with a roommate or family member. Sometimes i wish i was even more anti-social so i wouldnt have to worry about social dining. why is every interaction, activity, and event all based around food? jeez. what a fatty species we are!  we cant be around one another without a high caloric buffer?  

6.14.11. 12:40 am

Im sick of softness
of curves
of fleshiness
of rolls
of being in denial- thinking that im still in control. and that I have gained that much weight.... When i eat, just putting it out of my mind so i wont make myself cry.
Im sick of it.
I need people to worry again. To look at me with that slight tilt and raised brow of sympathy. I need to hear those whispers cross friends lips.
i need the chills, the shakes, the lightheadedness, the cold blue fingertips, the hunger pains that make you smile, the feeling of loss and loose clothing.
you have no idea how much i crave sickness. I need it back. I will get it back, and i will win it over, even if it kills me.
Ordinary, healthy, average, standard, will not be me.
we will overcome this battle.

Change

changes are scary. especially these big ones.

1. ended job at the gallery
2. graduated college and trying to "make it" as an artist
3. got a puppy (who has begun his humping phase as of 8:00 pm today)
4. both my roommates are moving out. But my first roommate is moving back in with me, but has to find a job in fashion to pay for rent. :/
5. sending out my work to art magazines, competitions, galleries, museums, artists etc.
6. waiting to start assisting for the photographer in Venice, CA.

.... it just feels all so overwhelming and i feel incredibly alone for some reason. friends moving out, friends moving away after school, graduation, the feeling of needing to support myself now and be an actual adult, the boy i like going to school (berkeley instead of coming to LA).. i just feel this intense distance all around me.
I just want to move home and be 8 years old again!!
I think I need to re-decorate my home. I want my place to look like this:
shabby-chic/cabin-tipi-like. I really like the avant-garde architecture of crazy design and wood/cement/glass combo, and just radness. but not right now. I feel like thats a very "now" trend, and it wont be so timeless. and neither is shabby chic/cabin/tipi but i think thats just what i need right now. retreat. cozy. removed. whatever.
Food, sucks right now. Ive been eating too much with all these changes. but im ready to change my body now too. Gain at least SOME CONTROl BACK!
*sigh*
love you all. so happy were here for each other :}