and we'll go where the chalk-white arrows go

its 3:30 am and im getting ready for a run because i've been doing homework all night (and some slight procrastination, yes). I need to get my work out in. It's been about 2-3 days i believe since my last work out. Maybe longer? Finals have my head spinning.. 

       So I have to be at school at 8 to pick up my photograph, then change my tire, then work, then therapy, then work on this photo piece aaaalllllllllllll night, and then the next morning first thing bring it to the framers. ugh This schedule is death! It's all over in like, 3 weeks though. 

       So, I have to see my therapist tomorrow, and my family this weekend and I've been snacking on anything I can get my hands on during these finals 1) to procrastinate, 2) boredom, 3)stress.   and I definitely have gained, hopefully not much. Too scared to step on the scale. I was doing so well just a week ago too. But i know theyre going to see me and think im totally fine now, eating well, no longer struggling but the thoughts now are just the same, if not worse now because im so unhappy with where im at. Ive been taking 4 diet pills, 3-9 laxatives,& 4 diuretics a day. 

      My friend called the other day, i think shes doing better w her purging n stuff, but she told me shes concerned for her friend because shes been restricting and going to the gym like, 4 times a day, and has been losing weight super rapidly...... bitch. hah im so jealous. I wish i had the time to go to the gym 4 times a day! Anyways, thats sort of a sick motivation for me. To compete with this friend of hers, be thinner, be better, be sicker.. And in like 4 weeks, im going to NYC and will see two of my cousins, (both of whom were in rehab for drugs) and they both know, maybe just one, about my struggles with eating, and if i show up as a huge porker im going to look like a total fool. Telling someone you dont eat and are in therapy for possible anorexia and then i show up, rollie pollie. nah, i gotta make em panic! hah I want to hear those whispers again, friends commenting quietly about how im too thin, my pants are baggy, trying to shove spoonfuls of food down my throat. I miss that!  

BOY:  Im still totally hung up on my friend from norcal, i cant help it, every guy i sort of like is  constantly being compared to him in my head, and no one matches up. it drives me crazy!! believe me, it would be so much easier to not like him. anyways, he's still w that chick who is totally insane. and I told him off a litle bit  tonight about how sad our friendship makes me because its like she dictates our interactions. Everytime we try to hang out its like, "we'll seee..... the lady isnt going to like that.....it might be difficult because of who you know....etc etc" and i just want him to stand up for himself and his friendships. a relationship is not a prison! and hes been with her for so many years, and no one else that i  think thats all he knows and is too scared to take the chance to realize theres better (less insane) people out there. I dono, im so not a jealous person, so i dont really understand the crazy side of relationships. I demand my freedom, and when boys get too controlling, its done. haha Im far too independent for that behavior.

Alright, its 4 am, time to go work out now. Im beyond stressed, and tired, and worked up, gotta go release some tension.

Intake: 

3/4 cup chicken salad (170)

pringles (150)

1 bite size mini snickers (20)

Goodnight ladies,
I vow to starve til perfection! 
xoxo
_Jane_Doe_ 

 ps. if you want to watch a radtastic hip hop documentary:

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QpJqJHOPm6o&feature=related

Someone needs to remove this sign immediately, or else ---->