I feel so gross right now i dont even deserve to post anything.
I use to see reality. and be aware of my body but consciously know that i need to be more thin than what is healthy etc etc.
But its grown so much since then. All i see is fat. everywhere. Its growing, and its terrifying me.
It makes me angry and sick and anxious.
I need to get back to my place (5 more days!) and then ill be safe. And I can be in control. And be proud again, which i havent felt in so loooong.
Im trying to hold it together til then. (being in a swimsuit 3 times in the last couple days though is SO NOT helping). my heart is racing, but my eyes are heavy. So ill escape into slumber for awhile.
Goodnight.
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