The Eagle has Landed

Before i begin, Id like to announce that JD has returned! And we've all missed her so much!! 


So after the scale sending shockwaves through my system, and an endless limit of aftershocks. Let me explain how pleased I feel to be back in control, on track, motivated, mouth shut, workin out, and being able to taste progress in substitution of fat. 
..... Huge sigh of relief. 

I tried to be healthy. 

I tried to be normal, and eat normal.

It isnt normal though when you eat, and youre screaming in your head with every bite, and chew.

and it isnt normal to change your outfit 20 times before you can find something to hide that fat that only you can see. 

it isnt normal to be classified as underweight, and secretly wanting to lose another 30 pounds. 

and of course i could go on and on,

SO when i say i tried to be normal, and eat normal. there was nothing normal about it. 

and i guess nothing honest about it. 

so why would i fake it? 
I was tired of trying to convince myself that I had to do this. 
I didnt want to, (it was a test my therapist told me to try, to get my body back on track), I still felt extreme guilt, I got totally out of control, gained weight, have been hating my body, ...  everything has just been far too overwhelming, and so , its my body- and we only have one body (im not going to slip into a religious/spirituality/reincarnation conversation right now), so why would i not do everything in my power to make my one body something i am happy and proud to be locked in. 

My therapist knew that after my breakdown that I am not going to be able to eat easily. And I talked to her this afternoon and had eaten nothing.

I started a new food log, keeping track of what i eat, what time i eat it, how many calories. total calories, & net calories, exercise, weight, and measurements. daily.  Its a lovely 5"x3" moleskin journal . I keep it with me all day, and am dedicated to staying on track, and when i have to write everything down, it obviously helps me from slipping up and snacking, because even having to write down 1 bite of whatever, is a full line in the book, which visually- looks like a lot! (Even if it was just, 1 bite of an apple, or whatever)... 


Also i was talking to my roommate and explaining how unhappy ive been with my weight, and how ive gained and want to get back down to where i was. and she got all serious and explained that shes not trying to make me feel better because she knows its how i feel and she understands the feeling, but people have always thought i was "way too skinny. too too skinny".... and that she, and no one else, has seen any change in that. It was nice to hear that... but ultimately, doesnt change my opinion at all. 
it would be so easy if all our evil lil thoughts could go away with reassurance, or a compliment, or whatever makes us feel good. Its actually irrelevant. You think im too skinny? ... then you dont even know what skinny is woman! heh 


So, INTAKE:
2pm: detox juice (60 cal)
6pm: 1/2 yerba mate tea (35 cal)
8pm: hamburger w feta, no bun (300 cal) 
                     ----i was NOT planning on dinner but my roommate wanted to have a "family dinner night" and we've been so busy i wanted to spend time w her so i felt obligated to. at least no bun though, right?! :/ 


EXERCISE: 
-200 on eliptical
-200 on treadmill, walking, at incline 15. 
-178 for hundreds of sit-ups 


395
-578
=  -183 


I am so excited to be back in control. I felt (for the first time in months) shaky, and dizzy ... that of course being before the beef patty placed in front of me. grrr. 
Its okay, tomorrow, I have pilates, horseback riding, prolly gym too. and Im estimating no more than 200-300 calories (detox juice, and something before riding). 




Thinspo celebration for being back on track. 
I've seen a lot of bloggers try to be healthy, or leave... and it seems like everyone is coming back, and catching up with dear ol' ana. 
and heres for them, and for the people who are staying on track and doing fabulous! , and to the people who need a lil extra boost! 
xoxo